240+ Thief jokes – Funny, Short, Dirty, Long…

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240+ Thief jokes – Funny, Short, Dirty, Long…

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  1. Why did the thief take a bath before robbing a house? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
  2. What did the thief say to his accomplice while breaking into a bakery? “Let’s make some dough!”
  3. Why did the thief go to art school? Because he wanted to learn the art of stealing!
  4. How did the thief fix his broken flashlight? He stole some batteries!
  5. Why was the thief so good at poker? Because he knew how to steal the blinds!
  6. What did the thief say when he was caught stealing cheese? “I’m just trying to brie a good person!”
  7. Why did the thief bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
  8. How does a thief like his coffee? Stolen, with a side of cream and sugar!
  9. Why did the thief break into the shoe store? Because he wanted to sole his problems!
  10. What do you call a group of thieves? A steal-team!
  11. Why did the thief only steal books written by women? Because he wanted to be well-read in her-story!
  12. What did the thief say to the judge? “I swear, it was just a misunderstanding. I thought ‘takeout’ meant take it out without paying!”
  13. Why was the thief always calm during heists? Because he had sticky fingers!
  14. What did the detective say to the thief who stole a calendar? “You’re going to get a year for that!”
  15. Why did the thief take a job as a chef? Because he wanted to steal the spotlight!
  16. How did the thief find out his wife was cheating on him? He noticed someone else was wearing his loot!
  17. What did the thief say to the police officer? “You’ve got to hand it to me, I’m good at what I do!”
  18. Why did the thief become a musician? Because he wanted to steal the show!
  19. How did the thief introduce himself at a party? “Hi, I’m a professional liberator of valuables!”
  20. Why did the thief only steal from bakeries? Because he had a knack for taking the cake!
  1. Why did the thief go to the party? He heard it was a steal!
  2. What do you call a group of thieves stuck in traffic? A jam of burglars!
  3. Why did the thief break into the bakery? He heard they had some sweet dough!
  4. How does a thief like his eggs? Poached!
  5. Why did the thief take a bath before robbing a bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway!
  6. What did the thief say to the safe? “Open sesame… or else!”
  7. Why did the thief take a ladder to work? He heard the stakes were high!
  8. How do you spot a thief at a party? Don’t worry, they’ll steal the show!
  9. Why did the thief cross the road? To steal the other side!
  10. What did the thief do when he broke his leg? He made a quick getaway!
  11. Why don’t thieves ever get married? They don’t want to take a wife sentence!
  12. What did the thief say to the detective? “You’ll never catch me, I’ve got sticky fingers!”
  13. Why did the thief rob the clock store? He needed more time!
  14. What’s a thief’s favorite type of music? Robbery!
  15. Why was the thief so bad at poker? Because he always got caught stealing the chips!
  16. How do you confuse a thief? Put him in a room with everything nailed down!
  17. What did the thief say to the bank? “I’m making a withdrawal… whether you like it or not!”
  18. Why did the thief bring a pencil to the heist? In case he needed to draw some attention!
  19. What’s a thief’s favorite holiday? Robbin’ Hood Day!
  20. Why did the thief break into the zoo? He heard they had some valuable hippo crates!

  1. Why did the thief become a gardener? Because he wanted to take things to the next lawn!
  2. What did the thief say to the locksmith? “You’re the key to my success!”
  3. Why did the thief open a bakery? He wanted to make some dough on the side!
  4. What’s a thief’s favorite type of tree? The steal palm!
  5. Why did the thief become a tailor? He wanted to stitch together his plans!
  6. How did the thief get away with stealing a calendar? He took a month off!
  7. Why did the thief become a comedian? Because he knew how to steal the spotlight!
  8. What did the thief say to the alarm system? “You won’t catch me snoozing!”
  9. Why did the thief take a mirror to the bank? To check out his reflection in crime!
  10. What did the thief say when he stole the escalator? “I’m taking steps to success!”
  11. Why did the thief join a circus? He wanted to master the art of illusion!
  12. How did the thief escape from jail? He wrote himself a get-out-of-jail card!
  13. What did the thief say to the detective at the crime scene? “I’m just here for the investigation, not the incrimination!”
  14. Why did the thief become a chef? He wanted to cook up some schemes!
  15. What did the thief say to the security guard? “Don’t worry, I’m just window shopping!”
  16. Why did the thief take a map to the museum? He wanted to navigate his way to the priceless artifacts!
  17. How did the thief steal from the library? He checked out the books without returning them!
  18. What did the thief say to the bank teller? “I’m here to make a withdrawal… of compliments for your excellent service!”
  19. Why did the thief break into the zoo’s aviary? He heard the birds had a lot of valuable tweets!
  20. What did the thief say to the judge? “Your Honor, I’m pleading not guilty by reason of irresistible temptation!”
  1. Why did the thief become a poet? He wanted to steal hearts with his words!
  2. How does a thief say goodbye? “I’ll be taking my leave now!”
  3. Why did the thief go to the concert? He heard there would be a steal drum performance!
  4. What did the thief say to the cat burglar? “You’ve got to be kitten me with those stealthy moves!”
  5. Why was the thief always so calm? Because he knew how to take things in stride!
  6. What did the thief say when he stole the bakery’s oven? “I’m cooking up some trouble!”
  7. Why did the thief take up painting? He wanted to brush up on his skills!
  8. How did the thief break into the joke vault? With a skeleton key!
  9. Why did the thief go to the doctor? He had a case of larceny!
  10. What did the thief say to the diamond? “You’re a real gem, but you belong with me!”
  11. Why did the thief bring a ladder to the library? Because he wanted to scale the best-seller list!
  12. How does a thief like his steak? Stolen, with a side of fries!
  13. What did the thief say to the security camera? “Smile for the flash, you’re on candid crime!”
  14. Why did the thief start a band? Because he wanted to steal the show!
  15. How does a thief apologize? “I’m sorry for taking a byte out of your privacy!”
  16. Why did the thief become a gardener? He had a knack for picking pockets!
  17. What did the thief say to the detective? “You’re just jealous because you can’t catch me!”
  18. Why was the thief afraid of the dark? Because he couldn’t see what he was stealing!
  19. What did the thief say to the stolen jewelry? “You’re my shining accomplice!”
  20. Why did the thief go to the beach? He heard there were a lot of sand dollars to steal!

  1. Why did the thief take a ladder to work? Because he wanted to climb the corporate ladder.
  2. How does a thief like his coffee? Stolen, of course, with a side of cream and alibi.
  3. Why did the thief become an actor? Because he was tired of stealing the show.
  4. Why did the thief take up gardening? Because he wanted to plant some “hot” potatoes.
  5. What did the thief say to the judge? “I’ll steal your heart if you let me off easy.”
  6. Why did the thief open a bakery? He wanted to make some “dough” the honest way.
  7. What do you call a thief who steals from a bakery? A crumb-nal.
  8. Why did the thief go to art school? To learn the art of stealing hearts and masterpieces.
  9. How does a thief apologize? With stolen kisses and heartfelt confessions.
  10. Why did the thief bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.
  11. What did the thief say to the police officer? “I’m not guilty, I just have a knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
  12. Why did the thief go to space? To steal the stars and make a constellation of his own.
  13. Why did the thief become a musician? He wanted to steal the spotlight with his stolen melodies.
  14. What do you call a thief who steals from a zoo? A cheetah-pet.
  15. Why did the thief become a tailor? He wanted to steal the spotlight with his stolen threads.
  16. How does a thief keep track of time? With his stolen watches, of course.
  17. Why did the thief go to the beach? He heard there was “shore” to be plenty of valuables.
  18. What do you call a thief who only steals cheese? A dairy kleptomaniac.
  19. Why did the thief join a circus? He wanted to steal the show under the big top.
  20. How does a thief like his eggs? Poached, with a side of stolen bacon.
  1. Why did the thief take a bath before robbing a house? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
  2. What do you call a thief who steals chocolate? A candy klepto!
  3. Why did the thief bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
  4. How did the thief feel after stealing a calendar? He knew his days were numbered!
  5. Why did the thief become a gardener? Because he wanted to plant evidence!
  6. What did the thief say to the detective who caught him stealing a dictionary? “I’m at a loss for words!”
  7. Why did the thief wear headphones while stealing? So he could make a clean getaway without hearing the alarms!
  8. What did the thief say to the safe? “I’ll crack you up!”
  9. Why did the thief take a math book? He wanted to do some “algebraic” calculations!
  10. How did the thief fix his jeans? With steal patches!
  11. What’s a thief’s favorite type of music? Swiper, no swiping!
  12. Why did the thief take a ladder to the bank? Because he wanted to reach new heights in his career!
  13. Why was the thief so good at math? Because he knew how to make off with the loot and divide it equally!
  14. What did the thief say to the stolen TV? “Looks like I’ve got a new channel!”
  15. Why did the thief bring a flashlight to the art museum? Because he wanted to make a “bright” impression!
  16. What did the thief say to the police officer chasing him? “You’ll never catch me! I’m outstanding in my field!”
  17. Why did the thief bring a map to the jewelry store? Because he heard there were gems hidden in the aisles!
  18. What did the thief do when he broke his toe? He made off with a sole-stealer!
  19. Why did the thief become a chef? Because he loved to “whisk” away with the ingredients!
  20. What did the thief say to the security guard? “I’m just here to ‘borrow’ something!”

  1. Why did the thief break into the bakery? Because he wanted a slice of the action!
  2. What did the thief say to the bank safe? “You’ve got a combination to die for!”
  3. Why did the thief go to the art gallery? Because he wanted to brush up on his skills!
  4. What did the thief say to the bartender? “I’ll have a drink on the house, and the cash in the register!”
  5. Why did the thief become a gardener? Because he wanted to dig up some dirt!
  6. How did the thief become a successful businessman? He knew how to steal deals!
  7. Why did the thief bring a ladder to the nightclub? Because he heard the drinks were on the top shelf!
  8. What did the thief say to the jewelry store owner? “You’ve got some gems here, but I’ll take them off your hands!”
  9. Why did the thief take a vacation to Switzerland? He heard the banks were very accommodating!
  10. How did the thief react when he saw a “no stealing” sign? He took it as a challenge!
  11. Why did the thief bring a camera to the casino? So he could capture his winning moments!
  12. What did the thief say to the detective? “You’ll never catch me, I’ve got a knack for disappearing acts!”
  13. Why did the thief steal a calendar? Because he wanted to plan his heists ahead!
  14. How did the thief become a chef? He loved to cook up schemes!
  15. What did the thief say to the computer hacker? “Let’s team up and steal some digital treasure!”
  16. Why did the thief take a job at the library? He wanted to check out the security system!
  17. What did the thief say to the judge? “I plead guilty… to being too good at what I do!”
  18. Why did the thief bring a magnet to the electronics store? He wanted to attract some attention!
  19. How did the thief become a motivational speaker? He knew how to steal the spotlight!
  20. What did the thief say to the getaway driver? “Step on it, we’ve got places to be and loot to count!”
  1. Why did the thief go to art school? He wanted to master the art of stealing hearts!
  2. What did the thief say to his son when he caught him sneaking cookies? “Looks like you’ve inherited some of my stealthy skills!”
  3. Why did the thief bring a ladder to the barbecue? Because he heard the steaks were high!
  4. How did the thief become a comedian? He had a talent for stealing the spotlight and cracking jokes!
  5. What did the thief say to his wife when she caught him stealing her chocolate? “I promise I’ll make it up to you with sweet gestures!”
  6. Why did the thief start a band? Because he knew how to steal the show!
  7. How did the thief become a magician? He knew how to make things disappear in a puff of smoke!
  8. What did the thief say to his daughter when she asked where he was going with a bag of tools? “I’m just going to borrow some inspiration for my next project!”
  9. Why did the thief become a gardener? He wanted to plant the seeds of his next big heist!
  10. What did the thief say to his son when he caught him with his hand in the cookie jar? “Looks like you’ve got sticky fingers just like your old man!”
  11. Why did the thief bring a map to the movie theater? Because he heard there was treasure hidden in the popcorn buckets!
  12. How did the thief become a chef? He knew how to steal the recipe for success!
  13. What did the thief say to his friend when he caught him stealing his jokes? “Looks like you’re trying to steal my thunder!”
  14. Why did the thief take up yoga? Because he wanted to master the art of the silent steal!
  15. How did the thief become a writer? He had a knack for penning down his escapades!
  16. What did the thief say to his neighbor when he caught him stealing his newspaper? “Looks like you’re trying to stay up to date with my life!”
  17. Why did the thief become a mechanic? He knew how to pick locks and fix engines!
  18. What did the thief say to his son when he caught him trying to pick the lock? “Looks like you’re following in my footsteps, but let me show you the right way to do it!”
  19. Why did the thief bring a flashlight to the party? Because he wanted to light up the dance floor and steal the spotlight!
  20. How did the thief become a teacher? He had a knack for stealing attention and imparting lessons!

  1. Why did the cheese thief always get away? Because he was a real “gouda” at making his escape!
  2. What did the cheese thief say to the cheddar? “You’re looking grate today!”
  3. Why did the cheese thief steal all the dairy products? Because he wanted to brie the best at his cheesy heists!
  4. How did the cheese thief get caught? He left too many “cheddar” crumbs behind!
  5. Why did the cheese thief never get tired of stealing? Because it was so “feta”-stic!
  6. What did the cheese thief say when caught in the act? “I camembert to be without my cheesy delights!”
  7. Why did the cheese thief take a break from stealing? He needed to “brie”the and relax!
  8. What did the cheese thief use to plan his heists? A “mozzarella” stick of strategy!
  9. Why did the cheese thief only steal on pizza nights? Because he knew it was “cheddar” than any other day!
  10. What did the cheese thief say to the security guard? “I’m just here to get a slice of the action!”
  11. How did the cheese thief become so successful? He had a “gouda” sense of timing!
  12. What did the cheese thief say to the cheese shop owner? “I’ll take a wheel of fortune, please!”
  13. Why did the cheese thief bring a mouse to the cheese factory? He needed a “gouda” accomplice!
  14. How did the cheese thief evade capture? He camouflaged himself in a “brie”-ghtly lit room!
  15. Why did the cheese thief open a restaurant? Because he wanted to “provolone” in his success!
  16. What did the cheese thief say when caught red-handed? “I swear, I’m not just a “munster” of my own desire!”
  17. Why did the cheese thief start a band? Because he wanted to “brie”ng cheesy music to the masses!
  18. What did the cheese thief say to his partner in crime? “Let’s make this heist “grate” again!”
  19. How did the cheese thief become a motivational speaker? He knew how to “cheddar” on the inspiration!
  20. Why did the cheese thief always carry a picnic basket? Because he was always prepared for a “brie”-ak in!

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