240+ Mitch hedberg jokes – Funny, Short, Dirty, Long…

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240+ Mitch hedberg jokes – Funny, Short, Dirty, Long…

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  1. I bought a dictionary, but when I looked up “Mitch Hedberg,” it just said, “See ‘genius.'”
  2. My dentist asked me if I flossed. I said, “Only when I’m trying to escape awkward conversations, like this one.”
  3. I once tried to buy a mirror, but the store clerk said, “Sorry, we only sell portals to the Mitch Hedberg dimension.”
  4. People say I have a dry sense of humor, but I prefer to think of it as Mitch Hedberg-esque.
  5. I told my GPS I wanted to go to Mitch Hedberg’s comedy show, and it said, “Sorry, I only navigate to laughter.”
  6. Someone asked me if I believed in reincarnation. I said, “I hope in my next life, I come back as Mitch Hedberg’s sense of humor.”
  7. My friend asked me what my favorite type of joke was. I said, “Anything that sounds like it could’ve come from the mind of Mitch Hedberg.”
  8. I tried to write a joke as good as Mitch Hedberg’s, but my pen ran out of ink from sheer intimidation.
  9. They say laughter is the best medicine, but Mitch Hedberg’s jokes are like a whole pharmacy.
  10. I went to a comedy club and asked for the Mitch Hedberg special. They gave me a microphone and told me to “just be yourself.”
  11. If Mitch Hedberg were alive today, he’d probably have a podcast called “The Rambling Rambler.”
  12. I heard Mitch Hedberg once made a joke so funny, even the punchline laughed.
  13. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but Mitch Hedberg’s jokes are in a league of their own.
  14. My favorite bedtime story? Mitch Hedberg’s comedy albums. They always leave me laughing myself to sleep.
  15. I tried to tell a Mitch Hedberg joke at a party, but everyone was too busy laughing at the punchline I hadn’t even gotten to yet.
  16. They say the key to comedy is timing. Well, Mitch Hedberg’s timing was so impeccable, it’s still making people laugh today.
  17. If laughter is contagious, then Mitch Hedberg’s jokes are a global pandemic of joy.
  18. I once met someone who didn’t like Mitch Hedberg’s jokes. I said, “That’s okay, more for the rest of us.”
  19. They say laughter is the best medicine, but Mitch Hedberg’s jokes are the cure for everything from boredom to the blues.
  20. If Mitch Hedberg were a superhero, his power would be making people laugh until their sides hurt.
  1. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the top shelf.
  2. Mitch once said, “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” Now I understand why his comedy was so high.
  3. Do you know why Mitch Hedberg never played hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you’re always standing in the spotlight.
  4. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to play chess? Because he couldn’t handle the pressure of being told to check his mate.
  5. If Mitch Hedberg were a superhero, his arch-nemesis would be Captain Obvious. They’d battle it out in the realm of painfully evident statements.
  6. Did you hear about the time Mitch Hedberg tried to count sheep to fall asleep? He got lost somewhere between one and “baa.”
  7. Why did Mitch Hedberg never become a chef? Because he couldn’t handle the pressure of being grilled.
  8. Mitch once said, “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” Classic Mitch, always protesting without a cause.
  9. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to use elevators? Because he didn’t trust anything that tried to lift him up too quickly.
  10. If Mitch Hedberg were a weatherman, his forecast would always be “partly cloudy with a chance of surrealism.”
  11. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to play the lottery? Because he believed that true wealth came from an abundance of punchlines.
  12. Did you hear about the time Mitch Hedberg tried to write a novel? He got stuck on the first chapter because every sentence ended in a punchline.
  13. Mitch once said, “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” His relationship status: a perpetual punchline.
  14. Why did Mitch Hedberg never get into politics? Because he couldn’t handle the thought of being too serious.
  15. If Mitch Hedberg were a painter, his masterpiece would be a canvas of one-liners, splattered with humor and brushed with irony.
  16. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to join a band? Because he didn’t want to be tied down by the constraints of musical harmony.
  17. Mitch once said, “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.” Who needs technology when you have awkward social skills?
  18. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to buy new shoes? Because he believed in walking a mile in someone else’s shoes, then returning them with a joke.
  19. If Mitch Hedberg were a magician, his signature trick would be making punchlines disappear right before your eyes.
  20. Why did Mitch Hedberg never host a talk show? Because he couldn’t handle the pressure of scripted laughter.

  1. I asked Mitch Hedberg for his recipe for success. He said, “Just add a pinch of wit, a dash of absurdity, and sprinkle some deadpan delivery on top.”
  2. Mitch once said, “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
  3. Mitch’s idea of multitasking was telling jokes while pretending to listen to someone else.
  4. Mitch believed in equality. He treated everyone like they were equally likely to laugh at his jokes.
  5. Mitch’s favorite pastime was staring at escalators and wondering why they never broke down.
  6. Mitch once confessed, “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
  7. Mitch thought elevator music should be replaced with stand-up comedy to make the ride more entertaining.
  8. Mitch’s idea of a perfect vacation was going to a place where no one recognized him, but everyone appreciated his jokes.
  9. Mitch’s philosophy on life: “If at first, you don’t succeed, maybe skydiving isn’t for you.”
  10. Mitch believed in taking life one joke at a time, preferably with a side of nachos.
  11. Mitch’s autobiography would be titled “The Tao of Deadpan.”
  12. Mitch once said, “I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and want two thousand of something.”
  13. Mitch’s version of a to-do list included items like “Tell jokes, eat tacos, contemplate existence.”
  14. Mitch’s epitaph: “Here lies Mitch Hedberg. He finally found the punchline to life.”
  15. Mitch’s secret talent was making awkward situations even more awkward with his impeccable timing.
  16. Mitch once joked, “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  17. Mitch believed that laughter was the best medicine, followed closely by tacos.
  18. Mitch’s dream job: professional nap taker with occasional stand-up gigs.
  19. Mitch once pondered, “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.”
  20. Mitch’s life motto: “Stay weird, stay witty, stay Mitch.”
  1. I once saw Mitch Hedberg eating a sandwich… I said, “Hey Mitch, what’s on your sandwich?” He replied, “Other sandwiches.”
  2. Mitch Hedberg always said he wanted to be a stand-up comedian, but every time he tried, he ended up sitting down.
  3. Mitch Hedberg once told me he wanted to open a bakery. When I asked why, he said, “Because bread is like the microphone of food.”
  4. I asked Mitch Hedberg if he wanted to go camping, and he said, “No thanks, I prefer indoors where the walls are nature’s wallpaper.”
  5. Mitch Hedberg’s favorite game was Hide and Seek. He was so good at it, we never found him.
  6. Mitch Hedberg once tried to break the ice at a party by saying, “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
  7. I asked Mitch Hedberg if he believed in ghosts. He said, “I don’t know, but if they do exist, I hope they’re friendly and know some good jokes.”
  8. Mitch Hedberg told me he tried skydiving once, but he got too distracted counting all the birds on the way down.
  9. I asked Mitch Hedberg if he was afraid of heights. He said, “No, I’m more afraid of widths.”
  10. Mitch Hedberg once told me he wanted to become a chef. I asked why, and he said, “Because I want to make people laugh with my cooking, even if it’s just the onions crying.”
  11. I once asked Mitch Hedberg if he believed in aliens. He said, “I don’t know if they exist, but if they do, I hope they’re as weird as me.”
  12. Mitch Hedberg once tried to write a book, but he got distracted halfway through and started reading another one.
  13. I asked Mitch Hedberg if he believed in fate. He said, “I believe in ‘ate.’ Like, I ate a sandwich.”
  14. Mitch Hedberg once tried to become a professional wrestler. His signature move was the “Dazed and Confused.”
  15. I once asked Mitch Hedberg if he believed in time travel. He said, “Yeah, I do it all the time. It’s called napping.”
  16. Mitch Hedberg once tried to learn how to juggle. He said, “I can juggle two things: confusion and disappointment.”
  17. I asked Mitch Hedberg if he believed in luck. He said, “Luck is just a four-letter word for being prepared and wearing clean underwear.”
  18. Mitch Hedberg once tried to start a band. Their hit song was called “Feedback Loop,” but they never played it because they couldn’t stop laughing.
  19. I once asked Mitch Hedberg if he believed in karma. He said, “I don’t know about karma, but I do believe in instant regret.”
  20. Mitch Hedberg once tried to become a magician. His signature trick was making audiences disappear.

  1. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when your eyes are always closed.
  2. Mitch once tried to sell a mirror online. He described it as “previously owned by a vampire, slightly used.”
  3. Do you know why Mitch never liked playing chess? He said, “I don’t trust a game where horses can’t jump over pawns.”
  4. Mitch believed that escalators were just temporary stairs. “Sorry for the convenience,” he’d say.
  5. Once, Mitch tried to become a firefighter but quit because he couldn’t handle the heat… or the sirens… or the dalmatians.
  6. Why did Mitch bring a ladder to a concert? He wanted to take his high notes even higher.
  7. Mitch once bought a boat and named it “S.S. Distraction.” He said, “I’ll never sink because I’ll always be somewhere else.”
  8. Did you hear about Mitch’s invention, the silent alarm clock? It wakes you up by not waking you up.
  9. One time, Mitch tried to join a gym but left when he realized they didn’t have a stationary bike that actually went somewhere.
  10. Mitch’s favorite form of exercise was doing sit-ups in a recliner. “It’s like doing crunches, but with a view,” he’d say.
  11. He once said, “I bought a map of the world, but it was too small. So I returned it and got a bigger map. Unfortunately, I still couldn’t find myself on it.”
  12. Why did Mitch refuse to use a GPS? He said, “I prefer to get lost on my own terms.”
  13. Mitch once tried to start a food delivery service called “Snail Mail.” The slogan was, “It’s slow, but it gets there eventually.”
  14. He believed that elevators were just vertical transportation tubes for lazy people. “It’s like teleportation, but with more buttons,” he’d joke.
  15. Mitch once tried to write a book about procrastination but kept putting it off.
  16. Did you know that Mitch had a pet rock? He said, “It’s the most low-maintenance pet I’ve ever had. It hasn’t moved in years.”
  17. He once said, “I don’t need a microwave. I just put my food outside during a lightning storm and wait.”
  18. Mitch once tried to become a chef but quit when he realized he couldn’t handle the pressure… or the knives… or the vegetables.
  19. He believed that fortune cookies were just edible paper with lies inside. “If I wanted fiction, I’d read a book,” he’d say.
  20. Mitch once tried to start a band called “The Unplugged Plugs.” Their first single was called “Silence is Golden.”
  1. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
  2. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to play hide and seek with his friends? Because he said, “I’m too good at hiding, man. Last time I played, they’re still looking for me.”
  3. What did Mitch Hedberg say when he saw a spider in his room? “Hey, man, why don’t you find a web designer and get a proper website?”
  4. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a map to the comedy club? Because he didn’t want to get lost in his own punchlines!
  5. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a chef? Because he heard it was a great place to find new material. “I’m cooking up some jokes in the kitchen, man.”
  6. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to play basketball? Because he said, “I don’t want to shoot hoops, man. I prefer shooting punchlines.”
  7. What did Mitch Hedberg say when he saw a broken escalator? “Sorry, folks, the stairs are temporarily a Mitch Hedberg joke.”
  8. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a pillow to the concert? Because he wanted to make sure he had a good seat for his jokes to land!
  9. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a gardener? Because he said, “I’m planting seeds of laughter, man. Watch my jokes grow!”
  10. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a dictionary to the party? Because he wanted to define his own sense of humor!
  11. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to ride a bicycle? Because he said, “I prefer riding the wave of laughter, man.”
  12. What did Mitch Hedberg say to the broken pencil? “Man, you’re pointless! Just like a bad punchline.”
  13. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a flashlight to the comedy club? Because he wanted to shine a light on his humor!
  14. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a painter? Because he said, “I’m brushing up on my jokes, man. Canvassing for laughs!”
  15. What did Mitch Hedberg say when he saw a cloud shaped like a chicken? “Looks like even the sky is roasting, man!”
  16. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to go camping? Because he said, “I’m more of an ‘in-tent’ comedian, man.”
  17. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a snorkel to the pool? Because he wanted to dive deep into his jokes!
  18. What did Mitch Hedberg say when he saw a broken clock? “Time for a new punchline, man.”
  19. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a parachute to the airplane? Because he wanted to make sure his jokes landed safely!
  20. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a lifeguard? Because he said, “I’m here to save drowning conversations with my jokes, man.”

  1. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the top shelf.
  2. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s new diet? It’s called “I can’t believe it’s not butter, but I can definitely believe it’s not a vegetable.”
  3. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to play poker with the ocean? Because it kept making waves.
  4. What did Mitch Hedberg say to the broken vending machine? “Looks like this snack’s on me.”
  5. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a chef? Because he wanted to cook up some killer jokes in the kitchen.
  6. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s invention? He created a smoke alarm that tells jokes instead of beeping. It’s called the “Laugh Detector 3000.”
  7. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a parachute to the comedy club? Just in case his jokes bombed.
  8. How does Mitch Hedberg like his coffee? With a side of punchline.
  9. Why did Mitch Hedberg take up gardening? He heard it was a great way to plant some comedy roots.
  10. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a mirror to the desert? So he could practice his one-liners with his reflection.
  11. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s comedy special on Netflix? It’s called “Stand-Up and Stand-Out.”
  12. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a dentist? Because he wanted to give people something to smile about, besides his jokes.
  13. What did Mitch Hedberg say to the refrigerator? “Hey, why are you always so cool? Can’t you just chill out for once?”
  14. Why did Mitch Hedberg go to the beach with a shovel? He wanted to dig up some buried punchlines.
  15. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s pet parrot? It only repeats his punchlines, but in a squawk.
  16. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to play hide and seek with his jokes? Because they always found a way to stand out.
  17. What did Mitch Hedberg say to the broken clock? “Looks like time ran out on your punchline.”
  18. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a map to the comedy club? Because he wanted to navigate his way through a sea of laughter.
  19. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s comedy tour? It’s called “The Joke Odyssey: One-liners Across America.”
  20. Why did Mitch Hedberg start a band? Because he wanted to rock out with his punchlines out.
  1. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to play hide and seek? Because he said, “I’m already hidden in plain sight… behind these sunglasses!”
  2. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s new diet? It’s called the “Escalator Diet” – he takes one step forward and two steps back.
  3. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.
  4. What did Mitch Hedberg say when he saw a ghost? “Nice try, I’ve been seeing through things since the ’70s.”
  5. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to watch horror movies? Because he said, “I’ve got enough suspense in my life trying to remember where I parked.”
  6. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a comedian? Because he realized life was a joke and he wanted to be the punchline.
  7. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s invention? He created a solar-powered flashlight for people who like to see the light but hate paying electricity bills.
  8. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a minimalist? Because he figured out that fewer possessions meant fewer things to lose track of.
  9. What did Mitch Hedberg say when asked about his exercise routine? “I’m into fitness… fitness whole pizza in my mouth.”
  10. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a map to the comedy club? He wanted to find his way to the punchline.
  11. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s cooking show? It’s called “Microwave Mastery: Making Mediocre Meals Marvelous.”
  12. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to use a smartphone? He said, “I prefer my conversations to have fewer bars.”
  13. What did Mitch Hedberg say when someone asked for directions? “I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m making great time.”
  14. Why did Mitch Hedberg always carry a toothpick? He said, “You never know when you’ll need to pick a lock or look sophisticated.”
  15. What did Mitch Hedberg say when he couldn’t find his keys? “Looks like I’m on the ‘lost and profound’ path again.”
  16. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring a plant to the comedy club? He wanted to branch out into new material.
  17. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s landscaping business? He specializes in grass that’s always greener on the other side.
  18. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a poet? Because he found beauty in the absurdity of life and wanted to express it in haikus.
  19. What did Mitch Hedberg say about meditation? “I tried meditating, but my mind wandered… so now I just call it ‘creative thinking’.”
  20. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to get a pet? He said, “I already have enough responsibilities trying to keep my houseplants alive.”

  1. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to eat Swiss cheese? Because he said, “I can’t handle all those holes… it’s like eating a slice of negative space!”
  2. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s favorite cheese? It’s called “Pun-ster” – it’s so cheesy, it comes with its own punchline.
  3. What did Mitch Hedberg say when asked about his favorite cheesy pickup line? “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you… just like this cheese!”
  4. Why did Mitch Hedberg become a cheese enthusiast? Because he said, “Life is like a cheese platter – it’s better when you have a variety of experiences.”
  5. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s cheese-themed magic act? He pulls cheesy jokes out of a hat and calls it “The Great Goudini.”
  6. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring cheese to the beach? Because he wanted to make sand-“wiches” while catching some rays.
  7. What did Mitch Hedberg say when he accidentally dropped his cheeseburger? “Well, there goes my ‘grate’ escape.”
  8. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to play chess with cheese pieces? Because he said, “I’m lactose intolerant… I can’t handle all the cheesy moves!”
  9. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s cheesy autobiography? It’s called “Cheddar Than Fiction: A Slice of Life.”
  10. What did Mitch Hedberg say when someone asked if he wanted extra cheese on his pizza? “I’m already extra cheesy, just like my jokes.”
  11. Why did Mitch Hedberg’s cheese-themed restaurant fail? Because he named it “Brie-lieve in Magic” and customers thought it was a magic show.
  12. What did Mitch Hedberg say about his love life? “It’s like Swiss cheese – full of holes, but still pretty ‘gouda’.”
  13. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring cheese to the comedy club? Because he wanted to make sure his jokes were extra cheesy.
  14. What did Mitch Hedberg say when someone questioned his love for cheese? “I’m not ‘feta’ up with it yet.”
  15. Why did Mitch Hedberg dress up as a giant block of cheese for Halloween? Because he wanted to be the cheesiest costume at the party.
  16. Did you hear about Mitch Hedberg’s cheesy rendition of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”? He replaced the lyrics with “Twinkle, twinkle, little cheese, how I wonder what you squeeze.”
  17. What did Mitch Hedberg say when someone asked him to cut the cheese? “I can’t… I’m lactose intolerant, remember?”
  18. Why did Mitch Hedberg refuse to watch cheesy romantic comedies? Because he said, “I prefer my love stories with a side of sarcasm and a sprinkle of irony.”
  19. What did Mitch Hedberg say when someone called him the “big cheese” of comedy? “I’m more like the ‘cheddar’ of comedy – sharp, tangy, and slightly aged.”
  20. Why did Mitch Hedberg bring cheese to the concert? Because he heard it was going to be a gouda time!

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