240+ John jokes – Funny, Short, Dirty, Long…

|

In
In

240+ John jokes – Funny, Short, Dirty, Long…

Share a laugh !

  1. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
  2. What did John do when he found out his toaster wasn’t working? He gave it a little “bread-talk.”
  3. How does John like his eggs? “Egg-citedly”!
  4. Why did John bring a mirror to the job interview? Because he wanted to reflect on his qualifications!
  5. Why was John’s computer cold? It left its Windows open!
  6. What did John say to the cheese that was about to get married? “You’ve finally found your ‘whey’!
  7. Why did John become a gardener? Because he wanted to ‘plant’ ideas and watch them ‘grow’!
  8. What did John do when he saw a sign that said “Wet Floor”? He added soap and had a slip ‘n’ slide party!
  9. Why did John bring a pencil to the restaurant? Because he wanted to “write” down his order!
  10. What did John say to the dictionary? “I find your definitions very defining!”
  11. Why did John become an astronaut? He wanted to see if the moon was made of cheese!
  12. What did John do when he saw a spider in the bathtub? He gave it a little “webinar” on personal hygiene!
  13. Why did John bring a basketball to the opera? Because he heard it was a slam-dunk performance!
  14. What did John do when he saw a dog chasing its tail? He joined in and had a spin-off!
  15. Why did John bring a clock to the race? Because he wanted to “watch” the time fly!
  16. What did John say to the comedian who told a bad joke? “You really ‘punch-lined’ that one!”
  17. Why did John become a baker? Because he wanted to make dough while the sun shines!
  18. What did John do when he found a genie lamp? He wished for unlimited wishes and a never-ending pizza!
  19. Why did John bring a camera to the party? Because he wanted to capture the “snapshot” moments!
  20. What did John do when he saw a broken escalator? He took “steps” to avoid it!
  1. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house!
  2. John’s computer kept freezing, so he put it in the freezer. Now it’s working in “chill” mode.
  3. John told his wife he’d fix the doorbell. He’s been gone for weeks. Turns out, he’s been ringing every doorbell in town for “research.”
  4. Why did John stare at the can of orange juice? It said “concentrate.”
  5. John tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
  6. John bought some invisible ink, but now he can’t find it.
  7. Why did John put his money in the blender? He wanted to make some liquid assets.
  8. John started a bakery. He specializes in making “dough”!
  9. John walked into a bar with a piece of asphalt. He said, “One for me, and one for the road.”
  10. John’s pet dog is an amazing mathematician. It can count to three. That’s where John stopped teaching it.
  11. John went to the seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel.
  12. John tried to build a car out of spaghetti. Took it for a drive and it pasta way!
  13. John got a new job at the orange juice factory. But he couldn’t concentrate and got canned.
  14. Why did John put his car in the oven? He wanted a hot rod.
  15. John invented a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.
  16. John started a diet. It’s called the “seafood diet.” He sees food and eats it.
  17. John’s garden is so fantastic, even the plants throw shade.
  18. John entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  19. Why did John take a pencil to bed? He wanted to draw the curtains.
  20. John loves making decisions. That’s why he bought a fence — now he’s always on the fence.

  1. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
  2. John doesn’t do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down.
  3. When John does math, he doesn’t solve problems; he annihilates them.
  4. John doesn’t get lost; the GPS just follows him for guidance.
  5. When John plays chess, he doesn’t move pieces; he rearranges the universe.
  6. John once built a time machine just to give Da Vinci a few pointers.
  7. John doesn’t read books; the words simply arrange themselves to impress him.
  8. Why did John stare at the orange juice carton? Because it said ‘concentrate’.
  9. When John enters a room, the lights turn on out of respect.
  10. John once took a lie detector test. The machine confessed everything.
  11. John can unscramble an egg.
  12. Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because John taught him how to stand out in his field.
  13. John doesn’t break the internet; he just bends it to his will.
  14. When John makes a mistake, the universe adjusts itself to correct it.
  15. John once taught a German Shepherd to speak English… in French.
  16. John doesn’t need a watch; he decides what time it is.
  17. John can divide by zero.
  18. When John plays hide and seek, even the CIA can’t find him.
  19. John’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools John.
  20. John doesn’t just climb mountains; mountains move aside to let him pass.
  1. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
  2. What did John say when he accidentally swallowed some food coloring? “I think I’ve dyed a little inside.”
  3. Why was John always so calm during a storm? Because he knew he had a ‘steady’ demeanor!
  4. How does John exercise? By jogging his memory!
  5. Why did John bring a car door to the desert? So he could roll down the window when it got hot!
  6. Why don’t you ever see John playing hide and seek? Because good luck hiding from someone who always stands out!
  7. What did John do when he found out he was colorblind? He dyed a little inside!
  8. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the roof!
  9. Why did John bring a pencil to the bar? In case he wanted to draw a blank!
  10. Why did John wear a tuxedo to the yard sale? Because he wanted to dress to impress!
  11. Why did John refuse to play cards with the ocean? Because it kept making waves!
  12. Why did John take a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the top shelf!
  13. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he wanted to raise the roof!
  14. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the prices were sky-high!
  15. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he wanted to step up his drinking game!
  16. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he was aiming to reach new heights!
  17. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he wanted to elevate his spirits!
  18. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he wanted to climb the ranks of drunkenness!
  19. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he wanted to raise a glass and raise the stakes!
  20. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he was on a rung quest for the best drink!

  1. John decided to start a band with his refrigerator. They called themselves “The Cool Tones” because they always chilled together, but their music never got hot!
  2. Once, John tried to become a magician. His signature trick? Making his motivation disappear!
  3. John went to a job interview and was asked, “What’s your greatest weakness?” He replied, “Honesty.” The interviewer nodded, “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” John shrugged, “I don’t care what you think.”
  4. John tried to become a comedian, but every time he told a joke, the punchline was always “Why did the chicken cross the road?” and he never had an answer.
  5. John decided to open a bakery, but every time he tried to bake bread, it turned into bricks. He called his bakery “John’s Hard Loaves” and wondered why business wasn’t booming.
  6. John was so lazy that when he got a job as a scarecrow, he sat down on the job and fell asleep. The crows started leaving him notes saying, “You’re doing a great job scaring us away!”
  7. John decided to become a gardener, but he was so bad at it that he accidentally planted his lawnmower and watered it every day, waiting for it to grow.
  8. John’s idea of a balanced diet was a burger in each hand. He said he needed to keep his hands equal in strength.
  9. John thought he could fly if he wore a cape and jumped off a roof. The cape tore, and he crashed into a bush. From then on, he claimed he was “bushwhacked by destiny.”
  10. John bought a self-help book titled “How to Get Rich Quick.” He finished it in one sitting and wondered why he wasn’t rich yet.
  11. John went to a party and told everyone he was a time traveler. When they asked him which era he was from, he said, “Next Tuesday.”
  12. John tried to become a detective, but he was so bad at solving mysteries that his clients started giving him easier cases, like finding their missing socks.
  13. John decided to become a fisherman, but he couldn’t catch anything except a cold.
  14. John tried to learn a new language by listening to music. When someone asked him if he was fluent, he replied, “I speak guitar.”
  15. John went to a fortune teller who told him he would come into a large sum of money. Excited, John asked when. The fortune teller said, “Next time you find a quarter on the sidewalk.”
  16. John decided to become a superhero, but his costume was so tight that he couldn’t move. He called himself “The Immovable Object” and stood in one place, waiting for crime to come to him.
  17. John tried to become a poet, but every poem he wrote ended with “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m not good at poems, but hey, neither are you.”
  18. John thought he could become a professional wrestler, but every time he stepped into the ring, he apologized to his opponent for hurting them.
  19. John decided to become a painter, but he was so bad at it that people mistook his abstract art for a map of a city destroyed by Godzilla.
  20. John went to a therapist and said he was feeling down. The therapist asked why. John replied, “Gravity.”
  1. Why did John bring a ladder to school? Because he wanted to go to high school!
  2. What did John say when his teacher asked him to use the word “geometry” in a sentence? “John, try not to fall asleep during geometry class!”
  3. Why did John put his money in the blender? He wanted to make some liquid assets!
  4. Why did John always carry a pencil to bed? In case he had to draw the curtains!
  5. What did John do when he saw a bear with no teeth? He called it a gummy bear!
  6. Why did John plant a light bulb in his garden? Because he wanted to grow a power plant!
  7. What did John call his pet dinosaur? A Try-John-asaurus!
  8. Why did John take a ruler to bed? To see how long he could sleep!
  9. What did John say to the librarian when he borrowed a book on anti-gravity? “This book is impossible to put down!”
  10. Why did John throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly!
  11. Why did John bring a piece of string to the football game? So he could tie the score!
  12. What did John do when he got locked out of his house? He called his key-chain!
  13. Why did John bring a chair to the computer lab? He wanted to sit on the web!
  14. What did John say to the robot at the car factory? “Can you make me a car-bot copy?”
  15. Why did John bring a book to the music concert? Because he wanted to read between the lines!
  16. Why did John always bring an extra pair of socks when golfing? In case he got a hole in one!
  17. What did John do when his dog ate his homework? He took it to the vet and got it back “puppy-cured”!
  18. Why did John sit on a tomato? Because he wanted to ketchup on his reading!
  19. What did John say when he found out his clock was broken? “It’s about time we got a new one!”
  20. Why did John bring a spoon to the computer store? To stir up some “byte”!

  1. Why did John refuse to play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding from his student loans!
  2. What did John say when he saw a car parked at a dog show? “Is that a barking spot?”
  3. Why did John start a gardening business? He wanted to grow his net worth!
  4. How does John stay cool in a relationship? By giving his partner the silent treatment when the AC breaks!
  5. What did John name his yacht? “Circumference” because it goes around in circles!
  6. Why did John take up beekeeping? He wanted to make some buzz in his career!
  7. What did John say when his computer broke? “I guess it just couldn’t byte off more than it could chew.”
  8. Why did John become a chef? He wanted to spice up his life and rake in some dough!
  9. What did John do when he won the lottery? He finally bought the “get-rich-quick” book he’s always wanted!
  10. Why did John avoid the elevator? Because he couldn’t deal with the ups and downs of corporate life!
  11. What did John say when he joined the debate team? “I just couldn’t resist a good argument.”
  12. Why did John open a bank account in the North Pole? He wanted to freeze his assets!
  13. What did John do when his alarm clock broke? He realized it was time to face the real world!
  14. Why did John join a gym? He wanted to exercise his options in life!
  15. What did John say when he got a promotion? “Looks like my career just stepped up a notch!”
  16. Why did John start a podcast? So he could finally air his grievances professionally!
  17. What did John do when he couldn’t find his car? He took it as a sign to start walking away from his problems!
  18. Why did John start a wine collection? Because he wanted to raise his spirits!
  19. What did John say after his blind date? “I didn’t see that coming!”
  20. Why did John always carry a pencil at work? In case he had to draw the line somewhere!
  1. Why did John bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
  2. What did John say when he got a new belt? “It’s a real waist of money!”
  3. Why did John always carry a pencil in his pocket? In case he had to draw a conclusion!
  4. What did John call his funny friend? A real crack-up!
  5. Why did John put his money in the blender? He wanted to make some liquid assets!
  6. What did John say when he fixed the kitchen sink? “I guess I’m now a tap expert!”
  7. Why did John sit on the clock? He wanted to be on time!
  8. What did John say when he saw a herd of cows? “That’s udderly ridiculous!”
  9. Why did John take a map to the party? Because he didn’t want to get lost in conversation!
  10. What did John say when he opened a bakery? “It’s all about the dough!”
  11. Why did John become a gardener? Because he had a green thumb and a lot of thyme!
  12. What did John say when he joined a band? “I’m really in tune with this decision!”
  13. Why did John bring a flashlight to work? Because he wanted to shed some light on the situation!
  14. What did John do when his dog ate his shoes? He took it in stride!
  15. Why did John take his coffee to the police station? Because it was mugged!
  16. What did John say when he finished the puzzle? “I guess I really put the pieces together!”
  17. Why did John bring an umbrella to the office? In case of a brainstorm!
  18. What did John call his vegetable garden? His salad dressing room!
  19. Why did John join a baseball team? He wanted to hit it out of the park!
  20. What did John say when he bought a new broom? “This really sweeps me off my feet!”

  1. Why did John bring string to the bar? To tie one on!
  2. What did John say when he made a sandwich? “Lettuce enjoy this moment!”
  3. Why did John take his bike to bed? Because he didn’t want it to get too tired!
  4. What did John say when he saw a plate of nachos? “That’s nacho average snack!”
  5. Why did John put his money in the blender? He wanted to make some liquid assets!
  6. What did John say when he bought a new watch? “Time to make a change!”
  7. Why did John take a ruler to the beach? To measure the waves!
  8. What did John call his pet cheese? “Cheddar the better!”
  9. Why did John bring a ladder to the theater? He wanted to see the high notes!
  10. What did John say when he saw a parade? “I guess they’re marching to their own beat!”
  11. Why did John bring a flashlight to the party? To light up the dance floor!
  12. What did John say when he won the lottery? “I guess money really does grow on trees!”
  13. Why did John take his computer to the dentist? It had a byte problem!
  14. What did John say when he saw a bakery on the moon? “Looks like a place for cosmic croissants!”
  15. Why did John bring a spoon to the office? Because he wanted to stir things up!
  16. What did John say when he saw a snowman? “Looks like he’s got a cold front coming in!”
  17. Why did John bring a bell to school? Because he wanted to ring in the new year!
  18. What did John say when he started a bakery? “Time to rise and shine!”
  19. Why did John take a pillow to the meeting? In case it turned into a snooze-fest!
  20. What did John say when he got a new car? “It’s wheely awesome!”

Share a laugh !

Hit me up on socials :

Leave a Comment