240+ Congress jokes – Funny, Short, Dirty, Long…

|

In
In

240+ Congress jokes – Funny, Short, Dirty, Long…

Share a laugh !

  1. Why did the congress member bring a ladder to the meeting? Because they heard the approval ratings were plummeting, so they wanted to climb up in the polls!
  2. How many congress members does it take to change a light bulb? None, they’re too busy arguing about who should take credit for it!
  3. Why did the congress member bring a map to the session? Because they kept getting lost in the loopholes!
  4. Why was the congress session like a circus? Because it’s full of clowns trying to juggle their priorities!
  5. What do you call a congress member who can’t make a decision? A procrastina-politician!
  6. Why don’t congress members ever play hide and seek? Because good luck finding someone who’s willing to take a stance!
  7. Why did the congress member bring a calculator to the debate? To calculate how many promises they can break in one term!
  8. Why did the congress member become a gardener? Because they heard they could plant ideas and watch them grow… or wither away in committee!
  9. What do you get when you cross a congress member with a comedian? A stand-up poli-tician!
  10. Why did the congress member sit on the clock during the session? They wanted to be in control of the time, even if they couldn’t control anything else!
  11. What do you call a congress member who can’t handle the pressure? Resignation on the rocks!
  12. Why don’t congress members ever go to the beach? Because they can’t handle the waves of public opinion!
  13. Why did the congress member bring a parachute to the session? In case their approval ratings took a nosedive!
  14. Why don’t congress members ever go to the zoo? Because they’ve seen enough animals in the chamber!
  15. Why was the congress session like a broken record? Because they keep repeating the same old promises!
  16. Why did the congress member bring a compass to the debate? Because they needed to find their moral direction!
  17. What’s a congress member’s favorite type of music? Lobbying tones!
  18. Why don’t congress members ever go on diet? Because they prefer pork-barrel politics!
  19. Why did the congress member bring a mirror to the hearing? To reflect on their own actions… or to check if their hair was still perfect!
  20. Why did the congress member bring a shovel to the session? To dig themselves out of the mess they created!
  1. Why did the congress member bring a magnifying glass to the session? To search for the tiny shreds of bipartisan agreement!
  2. How does a congress member answer the phone? “Hello, this is your representative speaking… or not, depending on your party affiliation!”
  3. Why did the congress member bring a GPS to the debate? Because they heard it was the only way to navigate through all the political spin!
  4. What’s a congress member’s favorite dessert? Pie charts!
  5. Why did the congress member bring a rubber chicken to the hearing? To add a little humor to the proceedings… or because they couldn’t resist a cheap laugh!
  6. Why don’t congress members ever play poker? Because they can’t bluff when everyone knows their voting record!
  7. How do congress members exercise? They run in circles around the issues!
  8. Why did the congress member bring a magic wand to the session? To make all the problems disappear… or to perform political illusions!
  9. What’s a congress member’s favorite movie? “Legally Blonde” because they appreciate a good filibuster!
  10. Why don’t congress members ever go camping? Because they can’t agree on how to pitch a tent!
  11. Why did the congress member bring a pillow to the session? In case they needed to catch some z’s during a filibuster!
  12. What do you call a congress member who can’t swim? A sinking legislator!
  13. Why did the congress member bring a map of the stars to the session? To remind themselves that even in the darkest times, they’re still under the spotlight!
  14. Why did the congress member bring a flyswatter to the debate? To squash any pesky arguments from the opposition!
  15. What’s a congress member’s favorite board game? Monopoly, because they love a good monopoly on power!
  16. Why don’t congress members ever become chefs? Because they can’t handle the heat in the kitchen… or the hot-button issues!
  17. Why did the congress member bring a ladder to the hearing? To climb up the ranks of seniority… or to escape when things get too heated!
  18. What’s a congress member’s favorite song? “We Will Rock You” because they believe in the power of a good rally cry!
  19. Why don’t congress members ever go to the gym? Because they’re too busy exercising their political muscle!
  20. Why did the congress member bring a mirror to the session? To reflect on their actions… or to check if their tie was straight!

  1. Why did the congress member bring a thesaurus to the debate? To ensure their filibuster was as sesquipedalian as possible!
  2. How does a congress member make tea? They filibrew it!
  3. Why don’t congress members ever go to the beach? Because they’re too busy swimming in political currents!
  4. What’s a congress member’s favorite mathematical operation? Divide and conquer!
  5. Why did the congress member bring a microscope to the hearing? To examine the fine print in the legislation!
  6. How do congress members communicate? Through a network of political wavelengths!
  7. Why did the congress member bring a theodolite to the session? To triangulate their position on the issues!
  8. What do you get when you cross a congress member with a crossword puzzle? A politi-clue!
  9. Why did the congress member bring a chessboard to the debate? To strategize their political moves!
  10. How do congress members navigate through tough decisions? They use a moral compass, but sometimes it’s on the fritz!
  11. Why did the congress member bring a stopwatch to the session? To measure the time it takes for their promises to evaporate!
  12. What’s a congress member’s favorite type of literature? Spin fiction!
  13. Why don’t congress members ever go to the circus? Because they’re too busy performing political acrobatics!
  14. Why did the congress member bring a telescope to the hearing? To gain a broader perspective on the issues!
  15. How do congress members stay organized? They use a political organizer app, but it crashes whenever there’s bipartisan support!
  16. Why did the congress member bring a calculator to the session? To tally up the political cost of their decisions!
  17. What do you call a congress member who’s always prepared? A pre-congressor!
  18. Why don’t congress members ever go to comedy shows? Because they’re afraid someone might joke about their approval ratings!
  19. Why did the congress member bring a tape measure to the debate? To size up the competition!
  20. How do congress members handle tough questions? They deflect them like political dodgeballs!
  1. Why did the congress member bring a deck of cards to the session? To play the blame game!
  2. What’s a congress member’s favorite type of math? Algebra, because they love solving for X, where X is their reelection!
  3. Why don’t congress members ever go on treasure hunts? Because they’re too busy searching for buried agendas!
  4. How do congress members stay cool under pressure? They have ice water running through their veins!
  5. Why did the congress member bring a flashlight to the hearing? To shine a light on the dark corners of bureaucracy!
  6. What do you call a congress member with a sense of humor? An anomaly!
  7. Why did the congress member bring a compass to the session? To navigate the political landscape!
  8. How do congress members make decisions? They flip a coin and then blame the coin for the outcome!
  9. Why don’t congress members ever go to the circus? Because they’re already experts at walking the tightrope!
  10. What’s a congress member’s favorite snack? Popcorn, because they love watching the drama unfold!
  11. Why did the congress member bring a map to the debate? To find their way back to their principles!
  12. How do congress members stay fit? They exercise their right to remain silent!
  13. Why don’t congress members ever play hide and seek? Because they’re too good at hiding their true intentions!
  14. What’s a congress member’s favorite movie genre? Political thriller, because they enjoy keeping everyone on the edge of their seats!
  15. Why did the congress member bring a mirror to the session? To practice their speeches and perfect their politician pose!
  16. How do congress members take their coffee? With a side of filibuster!
  17. Why don’t congress members ever go fishing? Because they’re afraid of getting caught in the net of public opinion!
  18. What’s a congress member’s favorite game? Musical chairs, because they’re always looking for a seat of power!
  19. Why did the congress member bring a ruler to the debate? To measure up their opponents!
  20. How do congress members relax? They pass the time by passing bills!

  1. Why did the congress member bring a suitcase to the session? Because they heard there was a lot of baggage to unpack in the legislation, but when they opened it, all they found was a bunch of empty promises, political favors, and a map to the nearest lobbyist’s office!
  2. How many congress members does it take to change a light bulb? Well, first, they have to form a bipartisan committee to study the issue, then they’ll debate the merits of different types of light bulbs for months until they reach a compromise that nobody’s happy with, and finally, they’ll pass a bill allocating funds for the bulb replacement, but somehow, the light bulb will still be flickering on and off because they forgot to include the actual replacement in the budget!
  3. Why did the congress member bring a telescope to the debate? Because they wanted to take a closer look at the big picture, but instead, they got lost in the vastness of partisan bickering, special interest groups, and the endless cycle of campaign fundraising!
  4. Once upon a time, in the land of Congress, there was a bill so complex and convoluted that even the lawmakers couldn’t understand it. They passed it anyway, and it became known as the “Legislative Labyrinth.” Legend has it that to this day, brave souls venture into its depths seeking clarity and common sense, but none have ever emerged!
  5. Why did the congress member bring a dictionary to the session? Because they wanted to redefine the word “compromise” as “a solution where nobody gets what they want, but everyone pretends they did for the sake of political expediency.”
  6. What’s a congress member’s favorite pastime? Playing a game of political poker, where they bluff about their intentions, raise the stakes with taxpayer money, and hope they don’t get called out on their bluffs!
  7. Why did the congress member bring a hammock to the hearing? Because they figured they might as well get comfortable while they wait for the other side to stop grandstanding and actually get something done!
  8. In a parallel universe, there exists a Congress where politicians actually listen to their constituents, work together for the common good, and prioritize principles over party politics. But then, reality intervened, and they woke up to find themselves back in the same old dysfunctional system!
  9. Why did the congress member bring a GPS to the session? Because they were tired of going in circles on the issue and wanted to find the quickest route to a soundbite-worthy solution!
  10. What’s a congress member’s favorite bedtime story? “The Tale of the Never-Ending Filibuster,” where the protagonist talks and talks until everyone falls asleep or the legislative session ends, whichever comes first!
  11. Why don’t congress members ever go on treasure hunts? Because they’re too busy searching for loopholes in the tax code and buried earmarks in spending bills!
  12. Once upon a time, in the hallowed halls of Congress, there was a bill so bipartisan that it brought tears to the eyes of even the most hardened politicians. But then, reality struck, and they realized it was just a dream, shattered by the harsh light of political expediency!
  13. Why did the congress member bring a magnifying glass to the debate? Because they wanted to scrutinize the fine print of the legislation, but all they found was a bunch of pork barrel projects and hidden agendas!
  14. What’s a congress member’s favorite word? “Re-election,” because it’s the only thing that matters more than anything else!
  15. Why don’t congress members ever play truth or dare? Because they’re afraid of what truths might be revealed and what dares they might have to follow through on!
  16. Why did the congress member bring a map of the stars to the session? Because they wanted to remind themselves that even in the vastness of space, there’s still more empty space in the legislative process!
  17. Why don’t congress members ever go to the opera? Because they’re too busy singing their own praises and dodging the high notes of accountability!
  18. Once upon a time, in the mythical land of Congress, there was a fountain of bipartisanship that flowed freely, nourishing the seeds of compromise and cooperation. But then, someone decided to build a wall around it, and now they’re all just standing on opposite sides, yelling at each other!
  19. Why did the congress member bring a toolbox to the session? Because they figured they might as well try to fix the broken system themselves since nobody else seems willing to do it!
  20. What’s a congress member’s favorite fairy tale? “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” because it’s a cautionary tale about the dangers of groupthink and political pandering!
  1. Why did the congress member bring a rubber duck to the session? Because they heard there was going to be a quack debate!
  2. How does a congress member count to ten? With their fingers crossed!
  3. Why did the congress member bring a coloring book to the hearing? Because they wanted to practice staying within the lines of the law!
  4. What’s a congress member’s favorite school subject? Political science, of course!
  5. Why did the congress member bring a teddy bear to the debate? Because they needed something to hug when things got too heated!
  6. How do congress members greet each other? With a wave of the hand and a spin of the truth!
  7. Why did the congress member bring a toy train to the session? Because they wanted to see if they could get the legislation back on track!
  8. What’s a congress member’s favorite game? Red tape twister!
  9. Why did the congress member bring a kite to the hearing? Because they wanted to see if they could fly their ideas past the opposition!
  10. What do you call a congress member who tells jokes? A pun-dit!
  11. Why did the congress member bring a yo-yo to the debate? Because they wanted to see if they could spin their arguments around!
  12. How does a congress member solve a problem? They pass it on to the next session!
  13. Why did the congress member bring a beach ball to the session? Because they heard there was going to be a lot of hot air!
  14. What’s a congress member’s favorite outdoor activity? Playing political freeze tag!
  15. Why did the congress member bring a bubble wand to the hearing? Because they wanted to see if they could burst the bubble of misinformation!
  16. How do congress members make decisions? They flip a coin and then filibuster while they wait for it to land!
  17. Why did the congress member bring a magic wand to the debate? Because they thought they could magically solve all the country’s problems!
  18. What’s a congress member’s favorite food? Spinach, because they love turning over a new leaf!
  19. Why did the congress member bring a puppet to the session? Because they needed someone to blame when things went wrong!
  20. How do congress members stay entertained during a filibuster? They play political charades!

  1. Why did the congress member bring a bottle of whiskey to the session? To help them swallow the bitter pills of compromise!
  2. How does a congress member stay calm during a heated debate? They imagine everyone in their underwear, but it’s hard to take anyone seriously when they’re wearing political briefs!
  3. Why did the congress member bring a deck of cards to the hearing? To play a game of political poker and bluff their way through tough questions!
  4. What’s a congress member’s favorite pickup line? “Are you a lobbyist? Because you’ve got my vote!”
  5. Why don’t congress members ever go to comedy clubs? Because they’re afraid someone might tell a joke about their approval ratings!
  6. Why did the congress member bring a pillow to the session? To catch some z’s during the filibuster marathon!
  7. How does a congress member relax after a long day at work? They pour themselves a stiff drink and watch reruns of “House of Cards” for some light entertainment!
  8. Why did the congress member bring a blindfold to the debate? Because they didn’t want to see the consequences of their actions!
  9. What’s a congress member’s favorite type of music? Lobbying tunes!
  10. Why did the congress member bring a map to the session? To navigate the treacherous waters of political intrigue!
  11. How does a congress member prepare for a debate? They practice their poker face in front of the mirror!
  12. Why did the congress member bring a magic eight ball to the hearing? To help them make decisions… or at least blame someone else when things go wrong!
  13. What’s a congress member’s favorite cocktail? The filibuster fizz, because it goes on and on and on!
  14. Why don’t congress members ever go to the beach? Because they’re too busy drowning in paperwork!
  15. Why did the congress member bring a stopwatch to the session? To time how long it takes for the opposition to cave in to their demands!
  16. How does a congress member celebrate a successful vote? With a round of political spin!
  17. Why did the congress member bring a tape recorder to the debate? To record all the promises they plan on breaking!
  18. What’s a congress member’s favorite vacation destination? The loophole islands, where they can escape accountability!
  19. Why did the congress member bring a magic wand to the session? To make their opponents disappear… or at least wish they would!
  20. How does a congress member unwind after a tough day of legislating? They take a long, hot shower to wash off the stench of corruption!
  1. Why did the congressman bring a ladder to work? Because he heard the higher he climbed, the more bills he could pass!
  2. Why did the congresswoman bring a map to the session? Because she wanted to navigate through the political maze!
  3. Why did the politician go to Congress? Because he wanted to make some “capitol” gains!
  4. Why was the congressman always calm during debates? Because he had a great sense of “senate”!
  5. Why don’t congressmen ever get lost? Because they always follow the “bill”boards!
  6. Why did the congressman bring a flashlight to the meeting? Because he wanted to shed some light on the issues!
  7. Why was the congresswoman always the best at poker? Because she knew how to bluff her way through legislation!
  8. Why did the politician wear sunglasses to Congress? Because they wanted to “shade” their opinions!
  9. Why was the congresswoman so good at math? Because she knew how to “count” on her constituents!
  10. Why did the politician become a gardener? Because they wanted to “root” for their constituents!
  11. Why was the congressman so good at baseball? Because he knew how to hit a “home bill”!
  12. Why did the congresswoman bring a telescope to work? Because she wanted to “see” the future of legislation!
  13. Why was the politician always well-prepared? Because they knew how to “congress” their thoughts!
  14. Why was the congressman always the best at puzzles? Because he knew how to piece together bipartisan solutions!
  15. Why did the politician become a chef? Because they wanted to “stir up” some change!
  16. Why did the congresswoman bring a magnifying glass to work? Because she wanted to examine every “clause”!
  17. Why did the politician become a musician? Because they wanted to “harmonize” with their constituents!
  18. Why was the congressman always so organized? Because he knew how to “file” legislation efficiently!
  19. Why did the politician bring a compass to work? Because they wanted to ensure they were always on the “right” path!
  20. Why did the congresswoman become a poet? Because she knew how to “rhyme” with the times!

  1. Why did the congresswoman bring a pillow to work? Because she wanted to “cushion” the blow of unpopular bills!
  2. Why was the politician always hungry during Congress sessions? Because they had a “cheddar” for change!
  3. Why did the congressman become a painter? Because he wanted to “canvas” for votes!
  4. Why did the congresswoman bring a fan to work? Because she wanted to “blow” away her opposition!
  5. Why was the politician always cool under pressure? Because they had a “coolant” demeanor in debates!
  6. Why did the congressman become a baker? Because he wanted to “knead” some bipartisan support!
  7. Why did the congresswoman bring a mirror to work? Because she wanted to reflect on her decisions!
  8. Why was the politician always well-groomed? Because they knew how to “comb” through legislation!
  9. Why did the congressman become a comedian? Because he knew how to “crack” jokes even during intense debates!
  10. Why was the congresswoman always the life of the party? Because she knew how to “party whip”!
  11. Why did the politician bring a ruler to work? Because they wanted to measure up to their constituents’ expectations!
  12. Why was the congressman always the best-dressed? Because he knew how to “suit” up for success!
  13. Why did the congresswoman bring a deck of cards to work? Because she wanted to play her “political hand” right!
  14. Why did the politician become a gardener? Because they wanted to “cultivate” relationships with voters!
  15. Why did the congressman become a pilot? Because he wanted to “fly” high in the polls!
  16. Why did the congresswoman bring a flashlight to work? Because she wanted to “illuminate” the issues!
  17. Why was the politician always full of energy? Because they had a “power grid” of enthusiasm!
  18. Why did the congressman bring a magnifying glass to work? Because he wanted to “magnify” his impact!
  19. Why was the congresswoman always so sweet? Because she had a “congressional candy” disposition!
  20. Why did the politician become a musician? Because they wanted to “harmony” with their constituents!

Share a laugh !

Hit me up on socials :

Leave a Comment