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1. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
3. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t do cardio, he just stares down the treadmill until it begs for mercy.
5. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
6. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
7. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
8. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.
9. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
10. When Chuck Norris enters water, he doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris-ed.
11. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a GPS. The Earth rotates to his will.
12. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
13. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi-truck’s gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
14. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he pushes the Earth down.
15. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.
16. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
17. When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon. He is the weapon.
19. Chuck Norris can make a Happy Meal cry.
20. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a remote control. He simply stares at the TV until it changes the channel.

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a watch. He decides what time it is.
2. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t knock. The door trembles in fear and opens itself.
3. Chuck Norris once stared at a blank piece of paper. It instantly turned into a bestselling novel.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn. He stares at the grass and it withers out of respect.
5. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a reflection. Mirrors can’t handle his awesomeness.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
7. When Chuck Norris jumps into a swimming pool, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris-ed.
8. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
9. Chuck Norris doesn’t sweat. He exudes confidence.
10. Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
11. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
12. When Chuck Norris takes a selfie, the camera smiles.
13. Chuck Norris can divide by zero and still get a real number.
14. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he’s not lifting himself up; he’s pushing the Earth down.
15. Chuck Norris doesn’t need an alarm clock. He simply wakes up when he’s ready.
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a to-do list. His mere thoughts are commands.
17. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the crap out of it.
18. Chuck Norris doesn’t get sunburned. The sun gets Chuck Norris burn.
19. Chuck Norris once stared at the sun for 2 hours straight. The sun blinked first.
20. When Chuck Norris enters a room, the room gets more awesome.

1. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
2. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he’s not lifting himself up; he’s pushing the ground down.
3. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
4. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
5. Chuck Norris can unscramble a Rubik’s Cube with his mind.
6. When Chuck Norris does a wheelie on a unicycle, it’s called a “Chuckie.”
7. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
8. Chuck Norris can find the end of a circle.
9. Chuck Norris can solve a Sudoku puzzle in one number.
10. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to breathe. Air just wants to be in his presence.
11. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
12. When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, his reflection steps aside out of respect.
13. Chuck Norris’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd because no one fools Chuck Norris.
14. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a banana.
15. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet in the rain. The rain gets Chuck Norris-ed.
17. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a password. He just stares at the computer until it logs him in.
18. Chuck Norris can divide by zero and still get a result.
19. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.
20. When Chuck Norris plays hide and seek, even the universe can’t find him.

1. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
2. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
3. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he’s not lifting himself up; he’s pushing the Earth down.
4. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they’re just called the Islands.
5. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He pushes the world down.
7. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a GPS. The Earth rotates to his will.
8. When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
9. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
10. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
11. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
12. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon. He is the weapon.
13. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a remote control. He simply stares at the TV until it changes the channel.
14. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a to-do list. His mere thoughts are commands.
15. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a flashlight. Darkness fears Chuck Norris.
17. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a mirror. His reflection is too intimidated to show up.
18. Chuck Norris once stared at the sun for 2 hours straight. The sun blinked first.
19. Chuck Norris can divide by zero and still get a result.
20. Chuck Norris’s beard has its own gravitational pull.

1. Chuck Norris once decided to test the theory of relativity. He looked at his watch and said, “I’m going to roundhouse kick you in 3… 2… 1…” Time stood still out of sheer terror.
2. One day, Chuck Norris went skydiving. As he jumped out of the plane, he roundhouse kicked the air so hard that it screamed and propelled him back to the ground, safely landing him before the parachute even had a chance to deploy.
3. Chuck Norris once entered a hot dog eating contest. The other contestants quickly realized they had no chance when they saw him pull out a single hot dog, which he proceeded to roundhouse kick into his mouth, instantly winning the competition.
4. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris once got into a staring contest with Medusa. The result? Medusa turned to stone.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a phone to make a call. He simply stares at the receiver until the other person answers out of fear.
7. Chuck Norris once challenged a brick wall to a game of tennis. The wall conceded before the match even started.
8. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead asks for a knife and a bucket.
9. Chuck Norris once went to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.
10. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down, giving gravity a run for its money.
11. Once, Chuck Norris was in a car accident. The airbag didn’t deploy because it knew Chuck Norris doesn’t need protection.
12. Chuck Norris once had a staring contest with the sun. The sun blinked first.
13. When Chuck Norris jumps into a swimming pool, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris-ed.
14. Chuck Norris once caught a bullet with his bare hands, then sneezed and shot it back with deadly accuracy.
15. Chuck Norris doesn’t use a keyboard. He simply stares at the computer until it writes what he wants.
16. Once, Chuck Norris fell off a building. The ground shook in fear, so he landed on a cloud instead.
17. Chuck Norris once went to a mind reader. The mind reader left in tears, realizing he couldn’t read Chuck Norris’s mind because there’s nothing to read.
18. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a password. He simply glares at the computer screen until it grants him access.
19. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
20. Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Then he flipped a coin, and it landed on its side.

1. When Chuck Norris was a kid, he didn’t play hide and seek. He played hide and pray.
2. Chuck Norris’s first word was “roundhouse kick.”
3. When Chuck Norris was a kid, he didn’t have an imaginary friend. His real friends were just too scared to admit they existed.
4. Chuck Norris’s childhood sandbox was the Sahara Desert.
5. Chuck Norris’s teddy bear had a black belt.
6. Chuck Norris never cried as a baby. He simply intimidated his tears into submission.
7. When Chuck Norris played dodgeball, the ball dodged him.
8. Chuck Norris’s school picture day photos are all action shots.
9. When Chuck Norris was a kid, he didn’t have a piggy bank. He had a roundhouse bank.
10. Chuck Norris’s first grade teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said, “Me.”
11. Chuck Norris’s baby blanket was made of titanium.
12. When Chuck Norris played “Simon Says,” Simon did whatever Chuck Norris said.
13. Chuck Norris’s favorite game as a kid was “Pin the Tail on Chuck Norris,” because no one dared to blindfold him.
14. When Chuck Norris played with Legos, he didn’t follow the instructions. The Legos built what he wanted.
15. Chuck Norris’s kindergarten graduation was held in a volcano.
16. When Chuck Norris had a lemonade stand, customers paid him in gold bars.
17. Chuck Norris’s first bike didn’t have training wheels. It had rocket boosters.
18. When Chuck Norris had a snowball fight, the snowballs surrendered.
19. Chuck Norris’s school backpack was a black hole.
20. When Chuck Norris played tag, the game tagged out of fear.

1. When Chuck Norris goes to a bar, the bartender asks him, “What can I get you?” Chuck Norris replies, “Anything I want.”
2. Chuck Norris doesn’t do shots. He stares at the bottle until it pours itself into his glass out of sheer respect.
3. When Chuck Norris walks into a casino, the roulette wheel stops spinning and asks him to choose the winning number.
4. Chuck Norris once entered a poker tournament. The other players folded as soon as they saw him, knowing they couldn’t beat a hand with five aces.
5. When Chuck Norris orders a drink, he doesn’t get a lime with his beer. The lime gets Chuck Norris-ed.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a designated driver. He drives the designated driver.
7. When Chuck Norris goes to a wine tasting, the wine begs for his approval.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a corkscrew to open a wine bottle. He simply stares at the cork until it pops out in fear.
9. When Chuck Norris goes to a party, the party comes to him.
10. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to toast. His mere presence makes every drink a celebration.
11. When Chuck Norris walks into a whiskey bar, the whiskey starts pouring itself.
12. Chuck Norris’s liver doesn’t process alcohol. It absorbs it and asks for more.
13. When Chuck Norris goes to a beer festival, the brewers compete to have him taste their brews.
14. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a bottle opener. He opens bottles with his teeth.
15. When Chuck Norris goes wine tasting, the grapes jump into the press just to be crushed by him.
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a martini shaker. He simply stares at the ingredients until they mix themselves.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to a bar, the drinks line up to buy him a round.
18. Chuck Norris doesn’t drink beer. He drinks respect, with a twist of fear.
19. When Chuck Norris orders a cocktail, the bartender invents a new drink on the spot just for him.
20. Chuck Norris once ordered a margarita. The salt rim was made of crushed diamonds.

1. When Chuck Norris tells a dad joke, the universe laughs out of sheer respect.
2. Chuck Norris doesn’t tell his kids bedtime stories. He tells them tales of his adventures, which are basically action movies in verbal form.
3. When Chuck Norris’s kids misbehave, he doesn’t give them timeouts. He gives them roundhouse kicks, which effectively reset their behavior.
4. Chuck Norris’s kids never have to worry about monsters under the bed. The monsters worry about Chuck Norris showing up.
5. Chuck Norris’s dad jokes aren’t just funny; they’re legendary. They’re so powerful that they once made a mime laugh out loud.
6. When Chuck Norris’s kids ask where babies come from, he just points at himself and says, “From my sheer awesomeness.”
7. Chuck Norris doesn’t play hide and seek with his kids. He plays seek and destroy.
8. When Chuck Norris’s kids complain about being bored, he challenges them to a round of “Who can stare at the wall the longest?”
9. Chuck Norris’s kids don’t have curfews. The curfew has Chuck Norris.
10. When Chuck Norris’s kids have nightmares, they don’t wake up crying. They wake up thanking their lucky stars that Chuck Norris is their dad.
11. Chuck Norris’s kids never argue with him. They know that his word is not just law; it’s the law of physics.
12. When Chuck Norris’s kids ask him to help with their homework, he just stares at the paper until it solves itself out of fear.
13. Chuck Norris’s kids don’t get grounded. Grounding implies they could escape. They get Chuck Norris-ed.
14. When Chuck Norris’s kids want a pet, he gives them a T-Rex. Because why settle for a puppy when you can have a prehistoric predator?
15. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to give his kids “the talk.” His mere presence is enough birth control for an entire generation.
16. When Chuck Norris’s kids ask him to tell them a joke, he just points at himself and says, “Me.”
17. Chuck Norris’s kids don’t have chores. They have survival training.
18. When Chuck Norris’s kids want to go to Disneyland, he just takes them to his backyard. His backyard is Disneyland.
19. Chuck Norris’s kids don’t have to worry about bullies at school. The bullies worry about Chuck Norris showing up at the parent-teacher conference.
20. When Chuck Norris’s kids grow up and move out, they don’t leave the nest. They simply expand the Chuck Norris empire.

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a knife to spread cheese. He just looks at the bread and the cheese melts out of respect.
2. When Chuck Norris orders pizza, the cheese jumps onto the crust out of excitement.
3. Chuck Norris’s cheese grater is just a block of cheese, trembling in fear.
4. When Chuck Norris eats fondue, the cheese begs to be dunked.
5. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a cheese slicer. He just stares at the block of cheese and it slices itself in admiration.
6. When Chuck Norris eats cheese, the cheese becomes honored to be eaten by him.
7. Chuck Norris’s favorite cheese is Swiss. Not because of the holes, but because it knows how to stay out of his way.
8. When Chuck Norris goes to a cheese tasting, the cheese competes to be his favorite.
9. Chuck Norris doesn’t need crackers with his cheese. He just stares at them until they crumble out of fear.
10. When Chuck Norris makes a cheese sandwich, the sandwich feels like it’s on top of the world.
11. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a cheese knife. He just glares at the cheese and it cuts itself.
12. When Chuck Norris orders a cheeseburger, the cheese voluntarily melts itself out of pure joy.
13. Chuck Norris’s favorite cheese is cheddar. Not because it’s sharp, but because it knows better than to be dull in his presence.
14. When Chuck Norris eats cheese fries, the cheese doesn’t drip. It flows gracefully into his mouth.
15. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a cheeseboard. He just stares at the table and it turns into one.
16. When Chuck Norris makes macaroni and cheese, the macaroni jumps into the pot and the cheese melts in anticipation.
17. Chuck Norris once entered a grilled cheese competition. The cheese melted perfectly, just to please him.
18. When Chuck Norris orders a cheese platter, the cheese arranges itself into a masterpiece out of admiration.
19. Chuck Norris’s favorite cheese is mozzarella. Not because it’s stringy, but because it knows how to stretch to meet his expectations.
20. When Chuck Norris eats cheese fondue, the cheese doesn’t just dip. It dives.

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