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In the dimly lit arena of dark comedy, where razor-sharp wit meets audacious wordplay, there exists a maestro whose mere mention evokes a cocktail of awe, shock, and uproarious laughter. Enter the enigmatic realm of jesting virtuoso, the sultan of satire, the dark knight of humor – none other than the irreverently brilliant Anthony Jeselnik. As we tiptoe through the minefield of taboo topics and societal norms, prepare for a rollercoaster ride of comedic brilliance that will leave you simultaneously gasping for breath and questioning your moral compass. Strap in tight, for in the universe of Jeselnik, no topic is off-limits, no punchline is spared, and no sensibility is left unscathed.

“20 Zingers in the Style of Jeselnik: Wicked Wit and Sharp Humor”

1. Anthony Jeselnik once tried to play hide and seek with his feelings. They’re still hiding.
2. When Anthony Jeselnik walks into a room, even shadows get nervous about being too dark.
3. Anthony Jeselnik’s autobiography is just a list of apologies… to people who aren’t offended yet.
4. They say Anthony Jeselnik has a heart of gold. It’s probably stolen, but still gold.
5. Anthony Jeselnik doesn’t sleep. He waits for insomnia to apologize to him for keeping him awake.
6. One day, Anthony Jeselnik told a knock-knock joke. The door filed a restraining order.
7. If Anthony Jeselnik hosted a cooking show, the main ingredient would be roasted expectations.
8. Anthony Jeselnik’s favorite pickup line is, “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you… and I’m contesting it.”
9. Anthony Jeselnik once went to therapy. The therapist now has a therapist.
10. When Anthony Jeselnik enters a room, even Siri turns off her sense of humor.
11. Anthony Jeselnik’s GPS doesn’t give directions; it just says, “You’ve reached your destination of disappointment.”
12. If Anthony Jeselnik were a superhero, his arch-nemesis would be Sensitivity Man.
13. Anthony Jeselnik’s pet rock left him for being too emotionally distant.
14. Anthony Jeselnik was asked for his opinion. He replied, “I have one, but it’s classified as dark matter.”
15. Anthony Jeselnik’s calendar only has one date marked: “The day they finally get my sense of humor.”
16. If Anthony Jeselnik were a weatherman, his forecast would be 100% chance of sarcasm with a touch of dry wit.
17. Anthony Jeselnik’s autobiography title: “Sorry Not Sorry: An Unapologetic Journey.”
18. Anthony Jeselnik doesn’t have enemies; he has people who haven’t realized they’re in a roast yet.
19. Anthony Jeselnik’s middle name is “No Offense.”
20. When Anthony Jeselnik tells a secret, it becomes a rumor and then a best-selling novel.

1. Anthony Jeselnik doesn’t do push-ups; he pushes the earth away to assert dominance.
2. When Anthony Jeselnik orders a sandwich, the deli worker asks, “How dark would you like your humor today?”
3. Anthony Jeselnik once entered a comedy competition and won… the “Most Likely to Make You Question Morality” award.
4. Anthony Jeselnik’s idea of a bedtime story is reading Yelp reviews of haunted houses.
5. Anthony Jeselnik’s autobiography is a pop-up book, but instead of cute animals, it’s full of uncomfortable silences.
6. If Anthony Jeselnik were a DJ, his catchphrase would be, “Get ready to dance awkwardly.”
7. When Anthony Jeselnik was a kid, his imaginary friend had a therapist.
8. Anthony Jeselnik’s favorite game is hide and seek. He’s been hiding from his own emotions for years.
9. Anthony Jeselnik doesn’t watch horror movies; he gives them therapy sessions on facing their fears.
10. They say laughter is the best medicine, but Anthony Jeselnik’s comedy comes with a prescription for emotional Band-Aids.
11. Anthony Jeselnik’s GPS voice is so sarcastic; it once told him, “In 500 feet, turn left into existential crisis.”
12. When Anthony Jeselnik tells a dad joke, it’s so dark that even the punchline needs a flashlight.
13. Anthony Jeselnik’s fridge only has expired milk and a note saying, “Life’s a joke, and so is your grocery shopping.”
14. If Anthony Jeselnik were a superhero, his superpower would be making villains question their life choices through witty remarks.
15. Anthony Jeselnik tried to join a support group for his dark humor addiction, but they couldn’t handle the punchlines.
16. When Anthony Jeselnik looks in the mirror, it says, “Reflections are subject to dark and twisted interpretations.”
17. Anthony Jeselnik’s sense of humor is so dry; even his laughter needs moisturizer.
18. They say Anthony Jeselnik’s jokes are like onions – they make you cry, but some people still put them on everything.
19. Anthony Jeselnik’s dream vacation spot is the Bermuda Triangle because it’s the only place where his humor gets lost.
20. If Anthony Jeselnik hosted a game show, the grand prize would be a lifetime supply of awkward pauses.

“Another 20 Jestful Quips: Anthony Jeselnik Inspired Laughter Riot”

1. Anthony Jeselnik’s IQ is so high; even his jokes have footnotes.
2. If Anthony Jeselnik were a computer program, he’d be an AI with a PhD in Sarcasm.
3. They asked Anthony Jeselnik to teach a class on irony, but he declined to avoid the irony of becoming an educator.
4. Anthony Jeselnik’s wit is so sharp; he once shaved with a thesaurus.
5. If Anthony Jeselnik wrote a self-help book, the title would be, “How to Offend and Win Friends.”
6. Anthony Jeselnik’s brain has its own stand-up special; it’s called “The Thinking Man’s Comedy Hour.”
7. They say knowledge is power. That’s why Anthony Jeselnik’s comedy is a nuclear reactor.
8. If Anthony Jeselnik were a math problem, he’d be the square root of negative feelings.
9. Anthony Jeselnik’s autobiography is a palindrome – it reads the same backward and forward, just like his jokes.
10. If Anthony Jeselnik were a book, his index would be a list of people he hasn’t offended yet.
11. Anthony Jeselnik’s calendar is in binary code because he only deals with 1s and 0s – either you get the joke, or you don’t.
12. If Anthony Jeselnik were a superhero, his arch-enemy would be Captain Obvious, and their battles would be legendary.
13. They once asked Anthony Jeselnik for the key to success. He handed them a lock and said, “Figure it out.”
14. Anthony Jeselnik’s GPS is so clever; it gives directions using puns and historical references.
15. If Anthony Jeselnik were a chess player, his opening move would be the “Sarcastic Gambit.”
16. Anthony Jeselnik’s humor is like a Venn diagram – it intersects with intellect and audacity.
17. They say laughter is the best medicine, but Anthony Jeselnik’s comedy comes with a prescription for elevated thinking.
18. If Anthony Jeselnik were a currency, he’d be the intellectual coin – spend it wisely.
19. Anthony Jeselnik’s comedy is so advanced; even Einstein asked for an explanation of his theory of dark relativity.
20. They asked Anthony Jeselnik for a pun, and he replied, “I’m punstoppable.”

1. Anthony Jeselnik walks into a bar and says, “I asked the bartender for a light beer, and he handed me a flashlight.”
2. Have you heard Anthony Jeselnik’s latest pickup line? “Are you a fire alarm? Because you’re loud and annoying, and I want to punch you.”
3. Anthony Jeselnik tried online dating, but he got banned for turning every match into a roast battle. His profile said, “Swipe right if you can handle third-degree burns.”
4. Why did Anthony Jeselnik become a chef? So he could say, “My cooking is so good, it’s borderline offensive.”
5. Anthony Jeselnik was asked to give a TED talk. He titled it “How to Offend 100 People in 10 Minutes or Less.”
6. Anthony Jeselnik’s autobiography is just a list of apologies with a foreword that says, “Sorry, not sorry.”
7. At a comedy club, Anthony Jeselnik told the audience, “I’m not saying my humor is dark, but my shadow unfriended me on Facebook.”
8. Anthony Jeselnik tried meditation but quit because he couldn’t resist making sarcastic comments about his own inner peace.
9. Why did Anthony Jeselnik become a gardener? So he could say, “I specialize in growing shade.”
10. Anthony Jeselnik’s idea of a love letter is just a Hallmark card that says, “Roses are red, violets are blue, your existence is a punchline, and I love you.”
11. Anthony Jeselnik’s pet parrot repeats everything he says, but only after adding, “Too soon?”
12. Why did Anthony Jeselnik become a magician? So he could make your self-esteem disappear with a single punchline.
13. Anthony Jeselnik joined a support group for insomniacs and began every session with, “Well, you’re all here because your dreams aren’t horrifying enough.”
14. At a comedy roast, Anthony Jeselnik said, “I’m not saying you’re ugly, but if you were a spice, you’d be flour.”
15. Anthony Jeselnik’s fitness routine consists of lifting weights and dropping punchlines. He calls it “stand-up curls.”
16. Why did Anthony Jeselnik start a bakery? So he could say, “My bread is so dark, it has its own gravitational pull.”
17. Anthony Jeselnik’s horoscope always says, “Your dark humor will be your downfall. But it’ll be worth it.”
18. During a job interview, Anthony Jeselnik was asked for his strengths. He replied, “I excel at making uncomfortable situations unbearable.”
19. Anthony Jeselnik went to therapy, but the therapist quit, saying, “I signed up to help people, not get verbally annihilated.”
20. Why did Anthony Jeselnik become a weatherman? So he could say, “Tonight’s forecast: a 100% chance of discomfort.”

“Yet Another 20 Jestful Gems: In the Spirit of Anthony Jeselnik”

41. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. So I said, “Alright, fatty. You’re not really going to eat that whole cake, are you?”
42. I don’t understand why people get offended when I make jokes about death. It’s not like they’ll be around to care when it happens.
43. I told my therapist that I have a fear of intimacy. She asked me to describe it. I said, “Well, it’s kind of like this. You’re a stranger, and I’m telling you all my deepest, darkest secrets.”
44. I used to have a fear of flying, but then I realized that statistically speaking, it’s much safer than being married.
45. My grandmother always used to say, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Which is why I never let her babysit my kids.
46. They say laughter is the best medicine. Unless you’re diabetic. Then insulin is probably better.
47. I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with their horoscopes. I mean, if I wanted someone to tell me how my day was going to go based on a bunch of made-up nonsense, I’d just ask my ex-wife.
48. I tried to join a support group for procrastinators, but it turns out they never got around to scheduling any meetings.
49. My dad always told me, “Son, never play with fire.” So I switched to gasoline.
50. I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
51. My doctor told me I should watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror. That way, I can keep an eye on myself.
52. I don’t understand why people say marriage is hard work. It’s not like I’m the one who has to put up with me.
53. I saw a sign that said, “Watch for children.” And I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
54. I was raised Catholic, which is probably why I have so much experience with guilt. But don’t worry, I’ve learned to forgive myself.
55. My therapist asked me if I had trouble expressing my emotions. I said, “No, I just don’t like to waste them on people.”
56. I don’t believe in ghosts, but I do believe in haunting my ex-girlfriend’s social media profiles.
57. My ex-girlfriend told me I have a Messiah complex. I said, “That’s ridiculous. I’m clearly more of an antichrist.”
58. I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with their legacy. I mean, who cares what happens after you die? You’re not going to be around for it.
59. My mom always used to say, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Which is probably why I never call her.
60. I don’t believe in love at first sight. But I do believe in lust at first swipe.

1. Anthony Jeselnik decided to become a life coach. His first piece of advice to clients: “If life gives you lemons, squeeze them into your enemies’ wounds and watch them squirm. It’s all about turning negativity into entertainment.”
2. One day, Anthony Jeselnik tried his hand at fortune-telling. He looked into a crystal ball and said, “I see your future… filled with awkward silences and regretful laughter. Don’t blame me; blame your life choices.”
3. Anthony Jeselnik decided to open a theme park called “SarcasmLand.” The main attraction? A roller coaster that only goes down, aptly named “The Spiral of Self-Esteem.”
4. Anthony Jeselnik started a podcast where he interviews celebrities, but instead of asking typical questions, he just roasts them for an hour. The show is called “Famous Targets.”
5. Anthony Jeselnik was invited to host a cooking show. His signature dish? Roasted marshmallows over the burning bridges of his failed relationships.
6. Anthony Jeselnik decided to write a self-help book titled “The Power of Pessimism.” Chapter one: “Embrace the Darkness, Because Lightbulbs Eventually Burn Out.”
7. Anthony Jeselnik got a job as a motivational speaker. His opening line? “I’m here to inspire you to be the best version of yourself… but let’s be realistic; it’s probably not going to happen.”
8. Anthony Jeselnik joined a circus as the ringmaster of a comedy tent. The only rule for attendees: leave your sensitivity at the entrance, and if you can’t handle the jokes, there’s a crying booth nearby.
9. Anthony Jeselnik entered a stand-up comedy competition with a twist. Instead of making people laugh, he aimed to make the audience cringe in disbelief. Spoiler alert: he won.
10. Anthony Jeselnik decided to become a therapist, specializing in tough love. His go-to advice? “Stop whining and start winning. Or don’t. I don’t really care either way.”
11. Anthony Jeselnik was asked to write a children’s book. The title? “The Little Engine That Couldn’t Handle Criticism.” It quickly became a bedtime favorite for adults with a dark sense of humor.
12. Anthony Jeselnik tried his hand at creating a board game. It’s called “Monotony,” where players navigate the mundane challenges of everyday life, with the winner being the first to crack a sarcastic smile.
13. Anthony Jeselnik decided to venture into the music industry. His debut album, “Melodies of Misanthropy,” features hit singles like “Love Song for Haters” and “Ballad of Broken Dreams (Because I Stepped on Them).”
14. Anthony Jeselnik participated in a charity event where comedians roamed the streets, roasting passersby for donations. The event raised thousands of dollars, proving once again that people are willing to pay for the privilege of being insulted.
15. Anthony Jeselnik was cast as the lead in a romantic comedy. The twist? He played a cynical, sarcastic character who fell in love with someone just as jaded. The working title: “Heartburn.”
16. Anthony Jeselnik decided to become a motivational graffiti artist. His murals featured uplifting messages like “Life is short, and so are your accomplishments” and “Believe in yourself, even if no one else does – they’re probably right.”
17. Anthony Jeselnik opened a chain of escape rooms, where participants had to solve puzzles and navigate dark humor to find the exit. Spoiler alert: No one ever made it out with their self-esteem intact.
18. Anthony Jeselnik started a dating app for people who appreciate brutal honesty. The tagline: “Swipe right if you can handle the truth. Swipe left if you’re too sensitive – we don’t need your kind here.”
19. Anthony Jeselnik decided to become a motivational tattoo artist. His most requested design? A smiley face with the caption: “Life is a joke, and so is this tattoo.”
20. Anthony Jeselnik was invited to host a TED Talk on optimism. His opening line: “Today, I’ll teach you how to see the glass half full. Spoiler alert: It’s vodka, and you’re still stuck with a glass.”

1. Why did Anthony Jeselnik take his kids to the comedy club? Because they wanted to learn about dark humor from the master!
2. Anthony Jeselnik’s kids told their teacher they have a pet vampire. The teacher asked, “Really?” The kids replied, “Yeah, it’s Dad during his stand-up specials.”
3. Anthony Jeselnik’s idea of a bedtime story for his kids? A suspenseful tale about a mischievous tooth fairy who collects overdue payments.
4. What did Anthony Jeselnik say when his kid asked for a bedtime snack? “Sure, but it’s going to be a real killer cookie.”
5. Anthony Jeselnik’s kids wanted to play hide and seek. He said, “Sure, I’ll start counting, and you start finding a good therapist.”
6. Anthony Jeselnik’s kids learned their first words from him: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Existential dread.”
7. Anthony Jeselnik’s kid brought a classmate home for a playdate. He greeted them with, “Welcome to the House of Sarcasm. Abandon all innocence, ye who enter here.”
8. Anthony Jeselnik’s kid asked, “Dad, why did the chicken cross the road?” He replied, “To confront its own mortality, just like all of us.”
9. Anthony Jeselnik’s kids started a lemonade stand. Their slogan? “Sour enough to make Dad proud.”
10. Anthony Jeselnik taught his kids the importance of honesty by saying, “Always tell the truth, except when someone asks if you like their haircut.”
11. Why did Anthony Jeselnik’s kid bring a ladder to school? Because he heard the best way to climb the social hierarchy is with dark humor.
12. Anthony Jeselnik’s kid asked, “Dad, what’s the meaning of life?” He replied, “To find the punchline in the darkest of jokes.”
13. Anthony Jeselnik’s kids played “Simon Says.” But instead of saying “Simon says,” he just said, “Life says.”
14. What’s Anthony Jeselnik’s secret to parenting? Treat every question like a setup for a twisted punchline.
15. Anthony Jeselnik’s kid brought home a goldfish. He asked, “What’s its name?” The kid said, “Dark Humor. Because it’s in a bowl of its own.”
16. Anthony Jeselnik’s kids tried to surprise him with a birthday cake. He said, “Nice try, but real surprises are more like tax audits.”
17. Why did Anthony Jeselnik’s kid bring a compass to school? To navigate through the moral gray areas with precision.
18. Anthony Jeselnik’s kids organized a talent show. He was the headliner, performing stand-up about the absurdity of elementary school drama.
19. Anthony Jeselnik’s kid asked for a bedtime story about knights and dragons. He told a tale of existential battles where the real monster is the inevitability of adulthood.
20. What did Anthony Jeselnik say when his kid lost a tooth? “Don’t worry, the Tooth Fairy accepts teeth as collateral for a dark sense of humor.”

“20 More Jeselnikian Chuckles: A Wickedly Funny Collection”

1. Anthony Jeselnik tried online dating. His bio read, “Looking for someone to laugh at my jokes and question their life choices. Swipe right if you have a dark sense of humor and a therapist on speed dial.”
2. Why did Anthony Jeselnik get kicked out of the therapy group? He kept turning everyone’s traumas into punchlines, and the therapist couldn’t stop laughing.
3. Anthony Jeselnik’s idea of a romantic dinner? Candlelight, soft music, and a menu filled with inappropriate jokes that make everyone uncomfortable.
4. Anthony Jeselnik’s autobiography is titled “Between a Chuckle and a Taboo Place.”
5. At the comedy club, Anthony Jeselnik told the audience, “My love life is like my stand-up: dark, twisted, and occasionally leaves people questioning their life choices.”
6. Why did Anthony Jeselnik start a podcast? Because therapists need job security, and what better way to keep them busy than dissecting his twisted thoughts for hours.
7. Anthony Jeselnik’s pickup line: “Are you a fire alarm? Because you make my heart race, and I can’t wait to see everyone evacuate.”
8. Anthony Jeselnik’s guide to a healthy relationship: “Communicate openly, share your feelings, and never forget to sprinkle in a touch of inappropriate humor to keep things interesting.”
9. Anthony Jeselnik’s take on marriage: “It’s like a never-ending comedy special. You laugh, you cry, and occasionally, you question if it was worth the price of admission.”
10. Why did Anthony Jeselnik become a stand-up comedian? Because therapy was too expensive, and making strangers uncomfortable is a lot more affordable.
11. Anthony Jeselnik went to a self-help seminar. He left early, saying, “I realized my self-help is just making others question their life choices by sharing my messed-up stories.”
12. Anthony Jeselnik’s fitness routine: “I do one sit-up every time someone tells me they’re offended by my jokes. Let’s just say I’m not winning any fitness awards.”
13. Anthony Jeselnik’s ideal date involves a candlelit dinner, a moonlit walk, and a heated debate about whether the chicken or the egg is more existentially confused.
14. Why did Anthony Jeselnik start a cooking show? Because roasting is not just for stand-up; it’s also a crucial skill in the kitchen.
15. Anthony Jeselnik’s love advice: “If you can’t make your partner laugh at the darkest moments, you’re not digging deep enough into their soul.”
16. Anthony Jeselnik tried speed dating but got disqualified for turning every conversation into a game of “Who Can Make It Awkward First.”
17. Anthony Jeselnik’s philosophy on love: “It’s like a roller coaster—thrilling, terrifying, and occasionally someone throws up.”
18. Why did Anthony Jeselnik go to therapy dressed as a clown? Because if you’re going to confront your demons, you might as well do it with a twisted sense of humor.
19. Anthony Jeselnik’s advice for a successful relationship: “Find someone who laughs at your jokes, no matter how dark, and never let them go. Also, keep a good lawyer on speed dial.”
20. Anthony Jeselnik’s idea of a love letter: “Roses are red, violets are blue, life is absurd, and so are you.”

1. Why did Anthony Jeselnik become a dad? Because he wanted an audience that couldn’t leave the room during his performances.
2. Anthony Jeselnik’s parenting tip: “If your kid asks for a bedtime story, just recite your darkest jokes. It’s like a lullaby for their innocence.”
3. Anthony Jeselnik’s idea of a dad joke: “Why did the baby cookie cry? Because its dad was a real tough crumb.”
4. Anthony Jeselnik’s parenting philosophy: “Teach your kids the alphabet – A is for ‘Astonishingly dark,’ B is for ‘Bizarrely twisted,’ and C is for ‘Comedy, my dear child!’
5. Anthony Jeselnik’s kid told him, “Dad, I want to be a stand-up comedian!” He replied, “Well, it’s never too early to learn the art of questionable life choices.”
6. Why did Anthony Jeselnik bring a ladder to the playground? To help his kid climb to the highest level of dark humor, of course.
7. Anthony Jeselnik’s dad advice: “If life gives you lemons, make a lemonade stand and charge extra for the twisted punchlines.”
8. Anthony Jeselnik’s kid asked, “Dad, why did the chicken cross the road?” He replied, “To escape my poultry-themed dark humor. Smart chicken.”
9. Anthony Jeselnik’s dad joke at the grocery store: “Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing and realized it was about to get undressed.”
10. Anthony Jeselnik’s parenting tactic: “Instead of a time-out, I make my kid listen to my stand-up. Trust me; it’s a much more effective form of punishment.”
11. Why did Anthony Jeselnik’s kid bring a backpack to the comedy club? Because he wanted to carry a little extra baggage for all the dark humor.
12. Anthony Jeselnik’s dad wisdom: “Life is like a joke – timing is everything, and sometimes the punchline is a bit too dark for the room.”
13. Anthony Jeselnik’s bedtime routine: “Read my kid a story, tuck them in, and then tell them a dad joke so dark, they forget about the monsters under the bed.”
14. Why did Anthony Jeselnik’s kid bring a notebook to the family picnic? To jot down all the dad jokes that would inevitably make everyone question the family dynamic.
15. Anthony Jeselnik’s dad joke about gardening: “Why did the scarecrow become a stand-up comedian? It wanted to be outstanding in its field of dark humor.”
16. Anthony Jeselnik’s kid asked, “Dad, why is the sky blue?” He replied, “Because it’s reflecting the color of my jokes – a little twisted with a touch of darkness.”
17. Anthony Jeselnik’s parenting philosophy: “Raise your kids with love, laughter, and a dash of existential dread for good measure.”
18. Why did Anthony Jeselnik bring a deck of cards to the family reunion? To show off his magic trick of turning any conversation into a darkly comedic spectacle.
19. Anthony Jeselnik’s dad advice on relationships: “Find someone who laughs at your dad jokes, even when they’re darker than midnight.”
20. Anthony Jeselnik’s kid asked, “Dad, what’s the meaning of life?” He replied, “To find humor in the absurdity and create dad jokes that make even philosophers question their existence.”

21. I went to a self-defense class. They said the most important thing is to yell “Stop!” And I said, “What if the guy is deaf?” They said, “Then yell louder.”
22. I’ve been trying to eat healthier lately. Last week, I had a salad. It was terrible. I’ll stick to my usual diet of regret and self-loathing.
23. They say laughter is the best medicine. That’s why I never go to the doctor. I just watch funny videos on YouTube instead.
24. My therapist told me I have a lot of pent-up anger. I told her I’d rather have pent-up money.
25. Some people say I have a dark sense of humor. I prefer to think of it as a well-developed sense of irony.
26. I went to a comedy show last night. The comedian was so bad, I almost laughed out of pity. Almost.
27. They say you should always follow your dreams. Unless your dreams involve kidnapping, in which case you should probably just go back to sleep.
28. I don’t understand why people say money can’t buy happiness. Have you ever seen anyone frown on a jet ski?
29. I don’t believe in ghosts. But if I did, I would definitely haunt a library. Just to mess with people.
30. I tried to write a book once. But I couldn’t decide whether to make it a comedy or a tragedy. So I just wrote my autobiography instead.
31. I don’t have a gambling problem. I have a winning problem. And it’s a problem I’m more than happy to live with.
32. My doctor told me I need to exercise more. So I started doing yoga. Turns out, I’m still just as lazy, but now I can touch my toes.
33. They say time heals all wounds. Unless you’re a time traveler, in which case you’re just creating more wounds for yourself.
34. I don’t understand why people get so offended by jokes. It’s not like I’m forcing them to laugh at gunpoint.
35. I don’t have any kids, but I do have a lot of nieces and nephews. Which is great, because I can give them back whenever I want.
36. My therapist told me I have an addictive personality. I told her she should see my dealer. He says the same thing.
37. They say you should always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then you should definitely be Batman.
38. I don’t have a drinking problem. I have a staying sober problem.
39. I love watching horror movies. It’s the only time I get to scream at the screen without people thinking I’m crazy.
40. I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

“Another Round of 20 Jeselnikian Zingers: Witty Banter Unleashed”

1. Why did Anthony Jeselnik bring a ladder to the comedy club? To add some extra “cheese” to his jokes!
2. Anthony Jeselnik’s favorite pickup line: “Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu-Te, but not as cute as my dark sense of humor.”
3. Why did Anthony Jeselnik open a pizza place? Because he wanted to serve up jokes with extra cheese and a side of laughter!
4. What’s Anthony Jeselnik’s favorite type of cheese? Gouda, but not as good-a as his punchlines.
5. Anthony Jeselnik’s idea of a romantic evening: “Let’s share a plate of cheesy nachos and tell jokes that are so corny, they might just pop.”
6. Why did Anthony Jeselnik become a stand-up comedian? Because he wanted to prove that jokes could be as cheesy as a plate of macaroni and laughter!
7. Anthony Jeselnik’s advice for a successful date: “Always bring a backup joke – just in case the first one isn’t cheesy enough.”
8. Why did Anthony Jeselnik bring a wheel of cheese to the comedy festival? To ensure his jokes were extra sharp and aged to perfection!
9. Anthony Jeselnik’s favorite cheese pun: “What did the comedian say to the cheese? You’re so ‘gouda’ at making people laugh!”
10. Why did Anthony Jeselnik start a cheese-themed stand-up tour? Because he wanted to prove that laughter is the best cheese, and his jokes are the brie-lliant topping!
11. Anthony Jeselnik’s cheesy one-liner: “Why did the joke go to therapy? It had too much emotional ‘cheddar’.”
12. What’s Anthony Jeselnik’s favorite cheesy love song? “Brie My Sunshine” by Stevie Wonder.
13. Why did Anthony Jeselnik bring a cheese grater to the comedy roast? To make sure the jokes were as sharp and cheesy as possible!
14. Anthony Jeselnik’s cheesy pun for a wedding toast: “May your love be as strong as a stinky cheese and age as gracefully as my stand-up career.”
15. Why did Anthony Jeselnik enter a cheese-making competition? He wanted to prove that crafting the perfect joke is a lot like crafting the perfect cheese!
16. Anthony Jeselnik’s favorite cheesy movie: “Gouda Will Hunting.”
17. Why did Anthony Jeselnik bring a cheese board to the comedy special? To ensure that every punchline had the perfect pairing of humor and cheddar!
18. Anthony Jeselnik’s cheesy advice for aspiring comedians: “Don’t be afraid to sprinkle a little extra ‘cheese’ on your jokes – the audience will eat it up!”
19. Why did Anthony Jeselnik tell a cheesy joke at the wedding? Because he wanted to make sure the bride and groom had a ‘gouda’ sense of humor for their marriage!
20. Anthony Jeselnik’s cheesy greeting card message: “Life is like a wheel of cheese – it’s better when shared with someone who appreciates a good laugh!”

1. My grandmother used to tell me, “Anthony, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I said, “No, Grandma. When life gives me lemons, I squeeze them into life’s eyes.”
2. I love doing charity work. It’s the only time I get to pretend I’m a good person while still being an asshole.
3. They say laughter is the best medicine. That’s why I laugh at the people who die in hospitals.
4. I told my therapist I have suicidal thoughts. She said from now on I have to pay in advance.
5. I tried to donate blood once, but they asked too many questions. “Whose blood is this?” “Where did you get it?”
6. I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
7. I saw a sign that said, “Watch for children.” And I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
8. My favorite holiday is Halloween, because it’s the only day people can’t complain about cultural appropriation.
9. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. So I said, “Alright, fatty.”
10. I asked my dad for a BB gun for Christmas. He gave me a lecture about how much it costs to raise a child.
11. I love animals. I think they’re delicious.
12. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I believe in something much worse: Facebook.
13. I hate it when people say, “You’ll sleep when you’re dead.” I’ll sleep whenever the hell I want, thank you very much.
14. I’m not a morning person. I’m not an afternoon person. Hell, I’m barely even a person.
15. I don’t understand why people get offended by jokes. It’s not like I’m performing surgery on them without anesthesia.
16. I don’t have a gambling problem. I have a winning problem.
17. They say money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen anyone sad on a jet ski?
18. I told my mom I wanted to be a comedian. She said, “Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.”
19. I like my coffee like I like my women: strong, black, and able to keep me up all night.
20. I don’t have any kids, but I do have a lot of nieces and nephews. Which is great, because I get to leave whenever I want.

“Wrapping Up: Jeselnikian Jokes Unleashed”

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